Bartholomew Utterswaithe: I miss my daily walk into Nottingham!
Bartholomew Utterswaithe, our 65 year old Nottingham correspondent and unemployed Gas Street lamp wick trimmer, found himself housebound the other day. Partly due to his arthritis, losing his free-bus-pass, the flapping holed sole of of his right shoe, and the lousy wet weather. He was straining a thrice-used Asda tea bag, and thought about what he might be missing on his cancelled wonderful...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Continues To Buy Brad Pitt's Love By Buying Him A $1.6 Million Helicopter
PROVENCE, France - Close friends of Angelina Jolie have remarked that as the actress has gotten older she has also become a lot more insecure. Bedroom Pillow Talk reported that one of Jolie's very close friends Winnie Suzy Willowick, 37, recently...
Read full storyEuro Panic To Push UK Taxes Over 100%
Chancellor Osborne (Ozzie to his mates - more later) has announced his plan for the rescue of the British economy. "We will announce new taxation rates that will take the average British family's annual bill to approximately 112.376% of their annu...
Read full storyMan United Fans Still In Hiding Following Two Minutes Of Madness
A report released today revealed that the vast majority of Manchester United fans remain in a state of shock, following Sunday's explosive climax to the Premier League season, as Manchester City scored twice in the final two minutes of added time, th...
Read full storyPresident Obama Announces Two-pronged Approach to Ameliorate America's Poor Health Habits:
President Obama announced today a two-pronged approach to ameliorating America's poor health habits. At a rousing high-school rally in Duncetown, North Dakota, Obama declared: "I am raising the cigarette tax from 39 cents a pack to $1039 per pack.
Read full storyObama and Biden Exchange Campaign Roles
Surprise! It's a campaign switcheroo. In the upcoming November election, the Democratic ticket will be: Joseph Biden running for president and Barack Obama running for vice-president, not the reverse. The two men agreed to the switch after B...
Read full storyWiccans distance themselves from Rebekah Brooks amid 'witch hunt' jibe
London - The World Council of Witchcraft said today a Salem-style witch hunt of the ex-NewsCorpse CEO was damaging their reputation as bona fide hags. The accusation comes from Charlie Brooks as he and his wife are charged with perversion of justi...
Read full storyNorthern weather to be regulated
Following the latest chapter in the bizarre story of British weather, the government has taken the unprecedented decision to deregulate the weather. This comes after ten sizzling days in March,the wettest April since 17BC, one of the coldest and wind...
Read full storyBank of America Decides to Run for President
Bank of America President and CEO Brian Moynihan is no lawyer, but even so, the 2010 case Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, in which the U.S. Supreme Court held that for purposes of the First Amendment right to free speech, corporations...
Read full storyKensington Palace skunk farm in dawn raid
London - Police seized over a thousand plants in an illicit hydroponics operation at Kensington Palace today. Royal Protection Racket officers raided the joint following a tip-off about sudden soaring electricity usage at one of the Palace's plush...
Read full storyTSA Announces New Screening Rules
TSA and Homeland Security have announced new pre-boarding screening procedures that they say will ease the flow of passengers though all US airports. The new system will come into effect on 1 June. In a memo leaked yesterday the new procedures in...
Read full storyWomen's brains are primed for make-up
Neuroscience has located a section of the female brain that is seemingly geared towards wanting to wear make-up. Located in the primitive hind brain, the so dubbed 'Number 7' section is not present in male brains. "We've studied this group of n...
Read full storyGreen Sneakers or Green Eggs: The Yoke is on the Celtics
Biggest team decision before each playoff game may be the bestowing of the Shoes of the Leprechaun by the Boston Celtics. In Rome, the Cardinals decide on who wears the Shoes of the Fisherman, but the Celtics decide on who wears the green sneakers...
Read full storyKanye West Says He Likes Kim Kardashian A Lot But Not Enough To Marry Her
TUSCALOOSA, Alabama - Kanye West recently performed before a sell out crowd at Tuscaloosa's Cotton Pickin' Coliseum. After the concert he was asked by Yodelle Denzel St. Bling with Afro Sheen Magazine how his relationship with new girlfriend Kim K...
Read full storyDorking Man Wins Nobel Prize for Fashion
Timothy Hardcastle, a graduate of Dorking College of Fashion, surprised everyone with his late entry for the most prestigious fashion award on the globe. Hardcastle, 24, owns the high fashion boutique HEELS located on the very trendy South Stree...
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