Jennifer Aniston Buys Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie A Volcano
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Jennifer Aniston has finally accepted the fact that Brad Pitt has decided to make Angelina Jolie his wife. And America's sweetheart, Aniston not Jolie, is dealing with her empty feelings and trying to move on knowing that her and...
Read full storyMore Letters To The Editor From Those Curiously Afflicted
Dear Sir, I ham fighting through you on beehive of a much misunderstood grope off scufflers, mainly, hose hoot stupor from the friction whereby hay displace random herds with other swords witch either luck or wound a skittle bit scimitar. As ewe mustard seed, I amble cone of these importunates myself. Theseus hiss a moused perspexing disorder, being very scuttle hand mafeking the shuffler se...
Read full storyModern day offerings to the gods, or litter
As part of the Queen's Jubilee celebrations, London council workers have been dredging the river Thames. They have turned up a remarkable array of artefacts. "This is a remarkable, layered, history of London," said Dan Cruikshank, BBC Historian. "...
Read full storyKobe Bryant Hits On Demi Moore
LOS ANGELES - Kobe Bryant and fellow Los Angeles Lakers teammate Metta World Peace attended a concert by Camel Carl & The Desert Rag Headz at L.A.'s San Andreas Fault Coliseum. After the concert the round ballers went to one of Kobe's favorite...
Read full storyMadonna to be completely naked by end of MDNA world tour
Madonna has told friends that she will be completely stark, bollock naked by the last concert of her MDNA world tour. Madge, 53, was condemned and mocked in equal measure last week when she made a right tit of herself when bearing her right tit, i...
Read full storyFears for Olympic Torch's Regent's Canal barge trip as Camden Mayor 'tips the scales at around 35 stone'
London - The latest leg of the Olympic Torch relay is looking doomed amid elf n safety fears for its Regent's Canal lap of honour. The grossly obese Mayor of Camden insists on accompanying the Games totem despite predictions 'she'll sink the barge...
Read full storyWisconsin to Build Fence Along Illinois Border
Baraboo,Wi-Sargent Fred Bekopski sits in his patrol car on a bluff above the Wisconsin River and surveys the plains below through night vision googles, a cup of coffee by his side, the static of the police scanner in the background. It's a lonely vig...
Read full storyZombies Linked to Cannabinoid Deficiency - Five-Year Study Finds
Baltimore, Maryland - a new study has been released by Hopping Johns medical researchers, linking natural plant cannabinoids with the immune system's ability to defend against Zombies, announced Dr. Hunson Bunnydew, Chairman of the Department of...
Read full storyRonaldo swears Messi is haunting him!
Cristiano Ronaldo is playing like a ghost of his normal self and he is convinced he knows why, there's a ghost following him everywhere called Lionel Messi! He has missed so many chances and free kicks which he normally puts away with ease for his...
Read full storyNoel Edmonds' Beard Arrested
Noel Edmonds' beard, Bertie, was sensationally arrested today on suspicion of inappropriate use of Just For Men. Bertie and Edmonds were recording an edition of 'Deal or No Deal' when armed police swooped on the studios. Bertie was then taken to S...
Read full storyNaked Face Eating Attacker Had Rare Flesh Eating Disease
BILLINGSGATE POST - Miami police investigating the gruesome face-eating attack on a 65-year-old homeless man by Rudy Eugene have dismissed reports speculating that Eugene may have been under the influence of a synthetic stimulent known as bath salts.
Read full storyHM Prison Services Swamped with Female Applications after Illicit Sex Allegations !
A spokesperson for Her Majesty's Prison Service says the office can't handle the recent inundation of requests by unemployed females for jobs following the conviction of female warder Zanib Khan, 27, found guilty of juggling at least 5 unseemly rela...
Read full storySS Uniforms Greet German Visitors At Literary Tourist Trap
German visitors to a Yorkshire village were horrified when they were greeted by locals dressed as SS officers. The visitors, from Hamm, a twin city of Bradford, were guests of the city council. As part of their tour, councillors took them to pi...
Read full storyBefore you were an ape, you were a shark? More evolution claptrap!
Idiots worldwide are today celebrating the latest stupid theory involving the myth of evolution. According to Professor Michael Coates, a biologist at the University of Chicago, the human lineage can be traced back to a primitive fish named Acanth...
Read full storyFrench Immigration Authorities Clamping Down
Four passengers arriving from Saudi Arabia at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris have been refused entry into France after they all declined to take off their face veils for French Immigration officials. Despite claiming that they were members of...
Read full storyLambert's Gambit
New Aston Villa manager Paul Lambert has revealed his master plan for getting his underperforming team firing on all cylinders before the start of next season. Starvation. He said. "Hungry players play well, hungry players want to get out on that...
Read full storyOKC and Miami: Like Picking Between Twilight and True Blood
True Blood began its fifth season on Sunday, and the Miami Heat is prepared to spill true blood again for the second season in their alleged run of seven championships. On the hit HBO show, Sookie has fairy blood, which confounds vampires, and it...
Read full storyJoe Walsh Apologises For Confusing 'Dumbasses'
Legendary guitar hero, Joe Walsh, has apologised for confusing 'dumbass' voters in Illinois. The former James Gang and Eagles axe wielder caused much scratching of heads when he endorsed Democrat candidate for Congress, Tammy Duckworth. Simple...
Read full story'Arry took Spurs as far as he could!
White Hart Lane, LONDON: Shiver me timbers good old 'Arry has left the Spuds. In his four year 'reign' 'Arry saved Spuds from being relegated from the Prmiership and took them in his second season to fourth, then fifth in his third season and fourt...
Read full storyBT Shock with £738 Million Premier League rights, 'seeing off' stern ESPN and Al Jazeera competition.
Post Office/BT Tower, LONDON: BT shockingly moved into Premier League football, after paying £738m to win the rights to show live matches from next year, with BSkyB still broadcasting the vast majority of live Premier League matches. Armchair T...
Read full storyRocko's Perspective: Pat Robertson Blacklisted in Various Asian Countries
After the controversial episode of the Christian Broadcasting Network's "The 700 Club," wherein American televangelist Pat Robertson wanted a Buddha statue to be destroyed, various countries in Asia added Robertson to their immigration blacklist. For those who do not know yet, the immigration blacklist prevents a person to visit a country if his/her name is on it. Acme Research recently rele...
Read full storyNadya Suleman, Alias "OctoMom" Says That Making One X-Rated Porn Movie Does Not Make Her A Porn Star
TARZANA - The most famous mother of octuplets in the world, Nadya Suleman has just completed filming her very first porn film. Fajita San Guacamole with Hollywood Innuendo sat down with the mother of 14 at The Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo in Tarz...
Read full storyFalklands War Over: Official
The Falklands War will be declared "officially over" later today after 30 years of conflict with Argentina, with services at Port Stanley's cathedral and Liberation Monument. Britain liberated the UK territory from Argentinian occupation on 14 Jun...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Tells His Mom That If She Makes Him Go To A Rehab Clinic He'll Run Away To Mexico
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Justin Bieber has made it crystal clear to his mom that there is no way on Earth that she is going to force him to check into a rehab clinic. He told her that if she does he will just escape and hitch hike into Mexico where he wil...
Read full storyJohn Travolta Finally Comes Out At Last
John Travolta has finally announced what the whole world knew anyway but no one wanted to believe, that Vincent Vega, Danny Zuko and other lesser well known characters, played by Travolta, naturally, were all…wearing a wig! Travolta today issued...
Read full story"Lady Gaga Has An Extremely Hairy Muff - Whereas Harry Styles Waxes" - Says Verity Warbling-Trollblog
SEN reporter and columnist, Verity Warbling-Trollblog returned to the glory days of gossip writing today when she wrote on her website that Lady Gaga has an extremely hirsute vagina, whereas Harry Styles out of One Direction has his man garden regula...
Read full storyJohn Travolta To Star In The Film "Sissy Shorts - The Richard Simmons Story"
LOS ANGELES - It seems that lately John Travolta's name has been in the news more than President Barack Obama and GOP front runner Mitt Romney combined. But of course none of the stories about the president or Romney have included masseuses, claim...
Read full storyFilipino Buddhists to MTRCB: Remove Pat Robertson's Channel From Cable Listings
MANILA, PHILIPPINES (Acme World News) -- Buddhists appeal to the Movie and Television Review and Classification Board (MTRCB) to remove the channel of American televangelist Pat Robertson from cable listings. The appeal was made after the controve...
Read full storyMarion Barry Schedules Next Apology
Former Mayor Marion Barry arrived late this afternoon at local Park in Washing D.C. for a scheduled press conference to apologize to persons of Polish ancestry he had referenced in a previous apology. Two weeks ago he had referred to Asian busine...
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