Football Gossip & comments 20th July 2012
Ledley King has announced his retirement from the top flight game after injuries stopped him from training between games. He will continue to turn out for Tottenham Hotspur. Stuart Pearce done a u-turn on a previous statement he made, saying he wanted the Players aged 23 and under in the Euro 2012 squad available for Team GB Olympic Football squad. Well at least someone wants Andy Carroll...
Read full storyTranslation attained of Ann Romney's comment on tax returns: 'We've given all you people need to know'
WASHINGTON - Experts were quick to point out that Ann Romney was not mincing words today when she told ABC News, "We've given all you people need to know" in terms of past income tax returns. Linguists, however, were even quicker to disagree. "...
Read full storyHiggs Boson Not Quite As Reported
Physicists recently made headlines by announcing their discovery of the Higgs boson-the long sought-after, so-called "God Particle." The God Particle would explain pretty much everything in the universe. Or so the media report. According to reputable...
Read full storyLocal Man Brands Home Secretary, Theresa May, As: "A Brain-Dead Muppet"
Speaking from his 1960's retro-themed council tower block in Titchfield, Hants this evening, local man, Martin Shuttlecock angrily declared that in his opinion, Home Secretary, Theresa May, is "a brain-dead muppet" with no tangible grip on reality, a...
Read full storyRhode Island Woman Files for Divorce from Reality, Pleading Domestic Violence
The scourge of domestic violence is not limited to traditional male-female or other intimate human relationships; it may occur between a person and reality itself - at least that's what 28-year-old Newport, Rhode Island resident Regina Bartwell belie...
Read full storyAfricanized 'killer' bees swarming on Roundhouse ahead of Amy Winehouse anniversary
London - "Reckon it started with bizarre alien activity in the Beehive Nebula," a North London apiarist explained this morning, "sent some hives mental just after the Solstice." News of the swarm brought dozens of firemen to the famous Camden audi...
Read full storySantonio Holmes Wants to Accentuate the Positive
Santonio Holmes, New York Jet figure of fun, has complained now that the media is reporting on negative things. the media is reporting on negative things. He wants the media to accentuate the positive. If the media follows Santonio's dictum, ther...
Read full storyCheltenham Dart Team form the British Javelin Medal Hopes
The three members of the Cheltenham and District Darts Club have been roped in at the last minute to compete for the British Javelin team after it was discovered that Britain's current medal hopes have all been struck down with Repetitive Strain Inju...
Read full storyIntelligent Design Adherent sues the Intelligent Designer
Karl Mankini of Rotterdam has begun a legal action against his own religion for what he perceives to be basic design flaws. Mankini is a member of the Intelligent Design Cult that believes that all living things were designed to look like they loo...
Read full storyGronk Arrested by Belichick's Secret Police
After all the hue and cry, Belichick is shutting down the sturm and drang of Gronk on parade. Yes, Gronk has hit a telephone pole (metaphorically speaking) like Captain Jason the Kidd. We can only imagine what horrors would befall Rob Gronkowsk...
Read full storyCrowd surfing accident leaves fifteen injured at Meat Loaf concert
Crowd surfing is the act of a performer leaping from the stage into a crowd and being carried by a multitude of hands out into the crowd and back again. The origins of crowd surfing are lost in the annals of time, but many agree that the first perfor...
Read full storyRomney: "It's my tub, my bar of soap, and it's nobody's business how long I wash it!"
Mitt Romney in an angry outburst regarding his income taxes was so explicit; many of the female journalists walked out of the press briefing and Ann Romney reportedly covered her face and fled the room. Romney, who apparently was trying to explain...
Read full storyCosmologists answer science's biggest question: What colour is space?
Space, according to Douglas Adams at least, is big. Very big. But what does Douglas Adams know? Cosmologists already know it's so much bigger than that. What they didn't know was what colour space was. They know it smells of fish and tastes of roa...
Read full storyEnd of the Stretched Limo on British Streets
There is to be a major overhaul of limos and other stretched vehicles bringing an end to the presence of these luxuries to British streets. All limos are to be shipped back to USA. Parliament voted unanimously to return these vehicles to the Stat...
Read full storyNew Texas Voter ID Law Bars Students OKs Labrador Retrievers to Vote
The Texas State Legislature today took a bold and rather stunning step to deflect unwanted attention from its earlier passage of a voter ID law that permitted concealed firearms permits to pass for valid voting Id while barring student Ids for the sa...
Read full storyGOP Scientist Explains Romney's "Retroactive Retirement Dilemma" with His Theory of Retro-Activity
Recently on CNN's State of the Union, Romney's adviser Ed Gillespie stated that Gov. Romney retroactively retired from Bain Capital in 1999 though it actually occurred in 2002. Mr. Gillespie as of this date has offered no explanation on how one i...
Read full storyJeremy Lin Leaves The New York Knicks - Joins The Houston Rockets
NEW YORK CITY - Jeremy Lin was busy playing a game of Scrabble on his cell phone when it rang. He answered it and it was a representative with the Houston Rockets Nat "Nothing But Net" Toddybicken, 61, telling him that they had agreed to his reque...
Read full storyUS 2014 Olympic Uniforms will be American Made, Well at Least the Boxes they're Packaged in
After the uproar by the US Congress over the discovery that the 2012 US Summer Olympic Uniforms were all made in China, it was announced today the 2014 Olympic Uniforms will be made by a US Company. Standing outside the US Capitol, Sneaker of th...
Read full storyMadonna Asked To Leave England Immediately!
LONDON - Madonna who will turn 54, on August 16, performed before a far from sell-out audience in Hyde Park. The "Material Girl" who is now known as the "Material Grandma" received a less than enthusiastic reception and was booed constantly during...
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