Canadians plan on changing their accent
Canadians are planning on changing their accent to make it more distinct from the American accent. "Y'all think we're from the You Essay," said Saskatchewan Spokesman, Brad Hanson. "So were gonna go change our accent and get our own identity, ya k...
Read full storyScientists Monkey Around with Evolution
The scientific community is ostracizing those scientists who publicly admit they do not believe in the theory of evolution. this was revealed to me by two men who have suffered "Toweling" at the Royal Society. Professor Madd said, "It was totally...
Read full storyScience Succeeds in Solving Age Old Mystery
After years of investigation and millions of dollars in government grants, an age old question has been answered using in depth probing that science has become so expert at. Professor Ima Schmitor, PHD, MAD, SOB, Dean of Snooker University, Chairm...
Read full storySomeday Times That's Rich! list peddles same old bollox
London - The usual suspects have been trolled out as top of the UK's filthy lucre pile. Rankings compiler Sir Peregrine Tosspot has included the FBI's Ten Most Wanted under a series of false identities 'such as the Duke of Westmonster'. Alleged...
Read full storyHuge sinkhole suddenly swallows up Diana burial island
Northamptonshire - "Sounded like someone flushing a gigantic bog," one of the Althorp House groundsmen said today as news of the disaster broke. Witnesses described how the burial island 'went down the plug hole' as a downpour wiped out the Prince...
Read full storyWorld Exclusive - New Jeremy Hunt leaked email
A first draft of Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt's statement to the House of Commons has been leaked, reacting to the proposed take over of BSkyB by NewsCorp before it was 'polished' by Party officials. The recipient of the email is a certain DC, however DC is not David Cameron or even anyone closely associated with David Cameron, nor even anyone with the initials 'DC' according to a statement...
Read full storyChinese Dissident Faked Blindness to Escape
Escaped political prisoner Chen Guangcheng is getting the last laugh on his former Chinese captors. "I can see perfectly well through these magic sunglasses," Chen chuckled at a post-escape press conference in San Francisco. "Those stupid priso...
Read full storyBattleship 'Iowa' Becomes Museum: what are the possibilities?
In the long tradition of ship museums the US battleship Iowa is to become a museum in Los Angeles. The UK has many warship museums (HMS Victory, the Mary Rose, HMS Warrior and HMS Belfast). The USA has a growing number as well. The latest is the Iowa; which, although even older than me, was still an operating warship until relatively recently. Thus controversy has inevitably followed the decisi...
Read full storyUNESCO Protection of Film Heritage?
A few days ago I came across the following news headline. "Titanic wreckage to become Unesco heritage" Do my eyes deceive me or has the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation entered the world of film criticism. I know Titanic was never popular with the critics, but 'wreckage' is a bit harsh. But to give it UNESCO protection is a ground breaking move. This is no do...
Read full storyGuy Makes a Fortune When Laundry Card Machine Breaks
Thursday started off pretty damn shitty for New York City's Danny Suds. When he got to work at his job as a stock broker at U.B. Sucker he was told he was being fired for not once screwing any customer over in the five years he had been with the fir...
Read full storySimon Cowell Launches a Rival to "The Voice" - With Laxatives and Indian Curry
In a move that has stunned the entertainment world, Simon Cowell has shown that he is still one step ahead of the competition. From LA to London, media were reporting on one story which broke early morning LA time, about a brand new TV format that is...
Read full storyFowl Play suspected in good eggs from Cambridge Chicken Research Facility
Supporters of free range eggs got a boost this week when scientists at Cambridge discovered that chicken eggs, laid by chickens allowed to play and run and dance whilst listening to classical music and pod casts by Stephen Fry, produced eggs that wer...
Read full storyRoss Kemp's Nan's World Snooker Round Up Day 7
The draw for the second round includes a few science, film and musical references to keep us interested.. Higgins v Hendry. Perry v Maguire - Show Me The Money?? Jones v Higginson Carter v Trump Williams v O'Sullivan Gilbert v Robertson - (shouldn't it be Gilbert v Sullivan?) Day v Yupeng Stevens v Hawkins... The games are already underway and Robertson is the first man into the last...
Read full storyDorking Anti-Counterfeit Police Raid Art Class
Fifteen people were arrested last night when Dorking Police swooped on the Our Lady Mary RC school to break up a "notorious" currency counterfeiting operation. Officers from Dorking Central Division, accompanied by dog handlers and an armed respon...
Read full storySunday Times Rich List Features Local Tycoons
The annual bible of the UK's richest people will feature a group of local media magnates for the first time when it is published tomorrow. The Sunday Times Rich List logs the ups and downs the country's richest people, listing the annual incomes f...
Read full storyGareth Williams murder detectives call in an expert to help
London Metropolitan police have called in an expert to help solve the mystifying mystery of the mysterious death of mystery man Gareth Williams. "What we know," said Detective in Charge, DI Sue Tecase, "is that he was in a bag, dead, and worked fo...
Read full storyDelmon Young Traded to Tel Aviv Lightning for Rabbi Akiva
Today the defending AL Central Division Champion Detroit Tigers announced that they have traded outfielder Delmon Young to the Tel Aviv Lightning for Rabbi Akiva. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad vowed to wipe the Israel Baseball League off the...
Read full storyA True Diary of Woe - Part Fifty-Five
A diary of one man's (Using the term loosely) utter failure, depression, frustration, cock-ups, and impecuniousness, starting in August 1947 Chapter 98: After a great night out I was so proud when I was invited to a company 'do', and received my 'City & Guilds' in Fresh produce retailing certificate. Unfortunately it was on a Friday night, after I'd just done a 15 hour shift at work...
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