Simon Cowell Launches a Rival to "The Voice" - With Laxatives and Indian Curry

Funny story written by NerdInBriefs

Saturday, 28 April 2012


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In a move that has stunned the entertainment world, Simon Cowell has shown that he is still one step ahead of the competition. From LA to London, media were reporting on one story which broke early morning LA time, about a brand new TV format that is set to be game changer in the way the music industry spots talent. Called the Can in the US and the Shitter in the UK; the formats simplicity has shown that going back to basics is the way forward.

Many commentators have said Cowell has confirmed what has long been known within music circles, that human bodily functions and recognising new artists are intrinsically linked. Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce and Susan Boyle have already been confirmed as surprise judges, whilst politicians and statesman have been petitioning hard to take part in the special charity edition at the end of the run, including Barrack Obama and Prince Harry.

In comparison The Voice which was only a few months ago being hailed as fresh, now seems conservative and stale, as a promo clip was released of the new show with Cowell straining himself on the can or shitter for UK audiences. The four judges plus Cowell will gather each afternoon and eat something of a spicy nature before the filming of the show and then just before the show airs be given a cocktail of laxatives to add extra pressure. Here the show sticks to the winning formula, singers will compete each week to get picked by a judge and go through to the next round.

However the big twist is that when each singer comes on stage to perform to the live audience the judges are not able to see their faces, and will be listening whilst on the toilet doing their emergency business as the food and laxatives kick in. Each judge will then have to decide if they want to halt taking a shit, by pulling the flush which sounds an alarm and race to the stage waving their toilet roll. The added twist is no star can leave their seat if they haven't began their business, so ensuring no one seeks to get an unfair advantage.

The audience and the viewers will be able to watch the judges every strain and roll of sweat, holding their head in their hands as they try to balance taking a shit with listening out for the music; and it is expected some judges will forget to wipe their backsides as they rush to sign the artist and beat their rival judges.

The genius of Cowell has already had leading figures and artists in the industry sending in demos, in order to get signed up to be one of the judges with lobbying from Lady Gaga and Madonna to be the exclusive female artist. These normally image conscious stars, confident in the success of the show, are prepared to show a side to their bathroom habits, never before seen on TV, in order to be part of music history.

But insiders say that Cowell is set on Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce who he sees as stronger contenders because they have a healthier appetite and so will be more likely to take bigger shits then the more petite and weight conscious signers, and make it more of a compelling and believable struggle for TV viewers. Susan Boyle and Meatloaf are the other favourites due to their girth whilst Randy Jackson is shoo in, due to his noted frequent halting of filming in American Idol to take a shit.

The idea for the show came to Cowell whilst he was in the rest room in his office in LA. Addicted as most moguls are to their phones, he was reading his emails on the toilet, when he saw a link to a new singer he was being encouraged to sign up to. "I had a really bad stomach bug so was on one of those long missions in the rest room," said Cowell. "The message on the phone said urgent and I listened to the song but I couldn't stop emptying my guts and seemed glued to the toilet seat. But it is so competitive in this industry that if I left it more than another five minutes, I was worried that this artist would be signed by someone else," he continued.

However his business mode took over and the temptation proved too much according to Cowell, that he risked his health and stopped mid way, still with his trousers round his ankle and raced to his desk to set up a conference call, whilst his assistant stayed behind and flushed the loo. Later that day, reflecting on this with his TV producer, he realised this was a perennial dilemma for media executives and music moguls, and that this could be the answer he was looking for to create TV gold.

Nervous producers on The Voice have already lodged a law suit that the format is a complete rip off their 'original' format but insiders say they are worried that they will lose viewers who want to see celeb judges struggle and risk their health to sign artists. The reaction hasn't all been positive, spearheaded by the The Association for Moral Decency and Private Bodily Functions, who have lobbied advertisers to boycott the new show, whilst Republican candidate Mitt Romney eyeing the right wing vote has vowed that if he is president he will pass a law to make it illegal to show people shitting on live TV.

Health bodies have questioned the long term impact on the judges if they are forced to take laxatives every week, but the producers have ensured that everything used is 100% natural and that nutritionists and doctors will work closely with them to ensure they take care of themselves in between filming.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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