On the stroke of midnight, three men will walk into a press conference and stun the world by announcing the end of money. Worldwide. Forever. "Much in the same way that after a large bank job they change the design of fivers, we've decided that a...
TV's 'Sur' Alan Sugar has sensationally sacked himself from TV's The Apprentice, after he was set the challenge of 'demonstrating that he has created and marketed a successful product that people have really bought without being forced to for other r...
It's begun to rain money. Huge piles of notes have begun to form across the UK. No-one really knows what is going on, but it is believed that a special Bank of England plan, codenamed 'Project Christ' has swung into operation. Current thinking is...
To avoid any accusations of secrecy, the Champions League quarter and semi finals were drawn in secret today, away from the glare of the world's media, in a Portakabin on the edge of Lake Geneva, near that big fountain. "We've done it a week early...
Following criticism that English clubs are dominating the Champions League, it has been announced that from the 2009/10 season, no English clubs will be allowed to qualify. Instead, a droplet of sweat will be harvested from each Premier League player...
Tony Adams, whilst rehearsing his press conference after the impending defeat by Liverpool, was overheard saying 'back me or sack me' by Pompey Chief Executive Peter 'Twenty' Storrie - who promptly did sack Adams before he'd finished the sentence.
All 25 UK Rail Franchises today jacked it in, after an unprecedented all-night meeting held in their headquarters, in an solid gold railwaycarriage in a siding just outside London's Kings Cross station. The following statement was nailed to the do...
West Berkshire Council today ran out of road salt for the roads around Newbury, and resorted to a novel solution - vehicles fitted with tyres made solely from bacon. 'The bacon ploughs have been designed to get through the toughest conditions,' sa...
Snow is continuing to cause problems across the UK. The country, already shivering massively under a blanket of snow, is braced for more snow to fall on top of the snow already there. 'Don't go anywhere in cars' said all police forces on Friday ni...
Fabio Capello today named his England squad to face Spain in midweek. At a press conference held at the top of the Post Office Tower, he revealed the full squad to the assembled members of the press: 'Beckham.' Mr Capello then left the room, le...
Embattled Wolverhampton Wanderers manager Mick 'Mick' McCarthy today laid out his plans for the next few months in a press conference following the 2-1 defeat to local Midlands rivals Coventry City. 'My job here is to ensure Championship football,...
Anfield was left reeling this afternoon, after Liverpool manager Rafa 'Rafa' Benitez announced that Robbie Keane would not start in the nearly-top-of-the-table clash against millionaire playboys Chelsea of West London. 'Keane will not start,' said...
Under immense pressure (which he welcomed), Portsmouth's manager Tony Adams today woke up, looked in the mirror, and accepted the resignation of his own reflection, in a bid to 'move on and do what's best for Portsmouth Football Club'. 'I'd like t...
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