The talented young Scot's manager, his mother, Doris (28) has pulled Murray from the tournament. "After seeing my wee bairn all hot and bothered and being kept up until all hours in that big, hot tent just so Eastenders could go upmarket to BBC2 -...
In a statement today, Ebay bosses have clarified the status of Michael Jackson concert tickets purchased through their website. "The sad news of Michael Jackson's death has left fans of the King of Pop bereft. eBay is committed to ensuring that it...
In an unsurprising revelation, Uri Geller, the nearly well-known spoon bender and self acclaimed mystic, has stated unequivocally that he is in real-time communication with the recently departed Jackson. "I was in the middle of one of my globally...
Bono broke down when he heard the news of Michael Jackson's passing. "He did what"? "He had a doctor inject pain killer into his bloodstream"? "WTF is that about"? Thus the famous singer and saviour of the world greeted Jackson's death amidst t...
For the second time in less than a week, plucky little Great Britain has taken the top spot in a world league. Following our triumph in the Worst Enemy Of Iran finals we have once again planted the leather in the back of the net. We are the Wor...
In an unexpected but welcome development, Queen Elizabeth II has called the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, to Buckingham Palace and told him to "Piss Orf". Her Majesty has decided that, as an 105-year-old veteran of a large number of Prime Minister...
Plucky little Great Britain has come out Numero Uno in a hotly contested competition to be the Most-Feared-By-Paranoid-old-Twats-In-Turbans! The entire world was entered in the race, but this Sceptre'd Isle breasted the tape ahead of the pack.
The MP's ship Parliament was steaming, all-expenses-paid at full speed towards the sunlit uplands of inflation-proof, reality proof prosperity at taxpayers expense. Reportedly, the Parliament's course would have taken it out of danger since a cloa...
A fleet of trucks has delivered a huge number of portable toilets to Parliament Square. They have been lined up in ranks close the the Members Exit. It is suspected that the breaking news of criminal investigations of Peers and MP's may precip...
Our Members of Parliament have excelled themselves in their care and concern for the mental and physical wellbeing of we, the voters. In an effort to reduce the risk of stroke, coronary infarction or apoplexy in those who follow the news, they hav...
The ......... Party today announced new initiatives to ........ ........ in the British political ......... Prime Minister ......... ....... stated that the ........ scandal was not his ....... and should not be ...... against his ........ L...
Grey squirrels are seeking protection from ethnic cleansing in a new bid to establish immigration rights in the UK. It was emphatically not the Tufty Club. It was emphatically not Squirrel Nutkin. It was emphatically not the anti-split-infinitive...
In a startling, but very welcome, disclosure the OPEC countries have announced that from now on, they will give away raw petroleum and deliver it free to refineries. This should ensure that full prices at the pump will fall to historic lows in a v...
Culture Secretary Ben Bradshaw has announced that every landline customer in the UK has volunteered to pay 50 pence per month per line to fund the expansion of Broadband service to Digital Britain. "Stap me"! Prime Minister Gordon Brown was heard...
World Bank boss Robert Zoellick called a press conference this morning. The gathering of financial journalists from around the world was astonished to hear him announce that the global recession happened because of a simple mistake. He went on...
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has revealed his strategy for taking the United Kingdom forward into a new age of prosperity and good fortune. Pointing to recent election results for the European Parliament and English local government, he points out...
In a staggering reversal of the basic principle of motor racing Bernie Ecclestone, the centenarian F1 boss has planted the goalpost firmly in new territory. "Not only will we be installing energy recuperators in the 2010 season's cars, we will als...
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