Vatican Shitty, Rome - Half a dozen toots up each nostril and the Deserter Pope Joseph Ratzinger made it to today's canonisation double act a newly envigorated man. The 87 year-old former Nazi appeared in full Pontifical bling after a year's abse...
A legitimate online flight booking to L. A. by F.B.I's most wanted T.V. cook Nigella Lawson was used to alert Captain America yesterday. The Superhero swooped down to confront and humiliate the highly lethal English Lady. With nothing better to...
While this might not be a drug mule case, security guards at Kennedy Airport say it was more like a cow-smuggling incident. An as yet unknown 300-pound woman was routinely being searched at the airport when a bag of cocaine fell out on the floor.
MOSCOW - An unidentified source with strong ties to upper Russian officials has revealed that he saw top secret documents concerning Russia's plan to invade the South American country of Colombia. The plans showed a date for the invasion to be som...
Aintree ought to be buzzing with anticipation of todays Grand National, but instead there are disturbing claims that many of the entrants are hooked on recreational drugs. And we don't mean the jockeys, we mean the HORSES! Rumours of horses takin...
Lindsay Lohan has been missing for a couple of weeks -not even in court -so some friends and fans have been concerned. However, a recent article with a photo of some girl named "Betty" has them believing she has either lost her memory or just wants a...
Lima - Two daft Brit cows caught with one-and-a-half kilos of Colombian cocaine have changed their pitch and admitted trafficking following a Peruvian Justice Ministry plea bargain sweetener. This offers a reduced terms sentence in exchange for gr...
ST. ECLAIR, ILL - Michael Cook, who was caught, white-handed, cooking up smack (or maybe it was coke; details are confused in what remains of his mind), has resigned in disgrace from his position as a Cook County judge. A colleague died of a heroi...
LAREDO - The United States Drug Enforcement Agency, known as DEA, is reporting that K-9 Drug Dog Agent Rover Boy, who is regarded as one of the DEA's top drug sniffing dogs, has been entered into The Bow-Wow Dog Rehab Clinic in Baltimore. A spokes...
Controversial former Leicester City and England footballer Steve Gold has died aged 50. The legendary striker was found unconscious in his squalid Leicester flat by police after a local off-license owner became concerned for his safety. Police confirmed the news earlier today. Laura Pintage, proprietor of the 'Booze Till You Snooze' off-license told us, "Steve was a regular in the shop. S...
The list of celebs and VIP's has been drawn up for Whitney's funeral and it's a who's who of the pop, soul, blues world. Kevin Costner is to recite a eulogy stating how much fun it was being her bodyguard and having his ears bashed during breaks.
WASHINGTON - Just prior to boarding Air Force One this morning to join Michelle and the girls in Hawaii, President Obama poured it on conservative Tea Party activists by calling them "Tin Horn Tokers" for not buying enough marijuana and cocaine to ke...
X-Factor producers have re-instated disgraced contestant Frankie Cocozza after a police report concluded that the 400g of white powder found in his possession was in fact sherbet. The beehive-sporting party animal apparently had no idea that he h...
Party pooper, state funded TV company the BBC, has refused to provide any drugs for a big send off party they are organising for their live news and sports station, Radio 5 Live. Thousands of staff at the radio station are being deported, along with...
TEGUCIGALPA, Honduras - The Honduran Navy has reportedly captured a 90-foot submarine, off the coast of neighboring El Salvador, that allegedly was destined for Malibu Beach, California. The submarine which had personalized Arizona license plates...
A leading drug baron who doesn't wish to be named has made the astonishing allegation that cocaine abuse is an everyday occurrence among the highly paid stars of football's Premier League. "There's loads of 'em at it," the criminal alleged. "There...
The Los Angeles County D.A. who prosecuted the cocaine possession cases of Paris Hilton and Bruno Mars with all the fervor that Charlie Sheen chases whiskey-flavored hooker vaginas has been busted... for cocaine possession. David Schubert was pull...
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