Why it's getting harder to back a winner

Written by Shortty

Saturday, 5 April 2014

image for Why it's getting harder to back a winner
This horse tried to deny ever using drugs

Aintree ought to be buzzing with anticipation of todays Grand National, but instead there are disturbing claims that many of the entrants are hooked on recreational drugs. And we don't mean the jockeys, we mean the HORSES!

Rumours of horses taking drugs are nothing new. It is well known that they enjoyed taking ketamine at underground club nights but with the minimal tech house scene in decline, many horses are seeking a different buzz. Ketamine is now seen as a "gateway drug" with many animals now moving on in search of their high. Many are using cocaine, particularly at Frankie Dettori's stables, where "a bit of nosebag" is positively encouraged.

The toilets at Aintree were tested last year and alarmingly every single one was positive for cocaine. CCTV cameras also caught an army of orange skinned scouse women in tacky floral dresses entering the cubicles to use the drug, but they struggled to bend over to sniff it in the confined spaces as they were so fat. It is thought that as most of their giro money was gone, they then sold the drug openly to the criminal element within the horses.

Black Beauty set the tone several decades ago. Viewers who wondered why he put up with that annoying little girl for so long will probably not be shocked to hear that he was always so calm because of his tragic heroin addiction. Fast forward to today and many desperate creatures are resorting to selling their bodies to pay for their next fix. These have been dubbed "crack whorse".

It seems drug smuggling is also on the rise. A three year old mare called Mary Hinge was stopped by customs after arriving on a flight from Jamaica. When a kilo of cocaine was discovered in her suitcase she was charged with being a mule, although her lawyers are calling for clarification of the rules as they say she cannot be both a horse and a mule.

All in all these are depressing times for the equine community. Not surprisingly John Mccririck has spoken out publicly in their defence saying "my first three wives were horses and i never saw them so much as smoke a cigarette". His testimony has however been dismissed by the Governments new drug czar, Dr Phil Good. He told us "sure, we all done a bit of gear in our day, but that Mccririck does acid at least four times a week. How else can he explain those sideburns?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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