Media Attack BBC's Refusal to Provide Cocaine for 5 Live Staff Party - Radio 1 Rally to Help

Written by NerdInBriefs

Friday, 19 August 2011


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Party pooper, state funded TV company the BBC, has refused to provide any drugs for a big send off party they are organising for their live news and sports station, Radio 5 Live. Thousands of staff at the radio station are being deported, along with their families as of September under government policy to make London less liberal and therefore less intimidating. The plans to offload the capital's growing problem with troublesome news journalists before the Olympics in 2012, is part of a marketing exercise to convince the world London is a safe place to visit.

This party was seen as the last opportunity for the staff to get off their faces thanks to 'Auntie' as the BBC is nicknamed, before kissing good bye to western civilisation, and moving into the favelas in Salford that have been specially created to house them.

The alleged justification for the drugs ban was because the media was scrutinising every expenditure at the BBC, and the Conservatives are looking for any excuse to castrate the broadcaster.

However the BBC, hoping it would be supported on this decision and perhaps win over sceptics, has come in from criticism from unexpected quarters. The right wing press has called this a 'decision too far' and 'poorly thought out'. One commentator says he can't wait for the Marxist BBC to be smashed but this is just typical of their 'disregard for British values and workers'.

Others have pointed out the decision to not pay for coke is going to force BBC staff to buy low grade drugs from dealers on the street and potentially lead to extra burden on the emergency services. One newspaper ran with the headline, 'BBC Playing God with Staffs' Lives'. Back bench Tory group, 1922 committee, sensing a new issue to jump on the bandwagon, have rounded on the controller and said, 'surely there's enough in the party pot to but some grams for the hard working staff'.

Some staff at Radio 1, the station that serves the youngest demographic out of the BBC's radio stations, have offered to do everything it can to find as much quality cocaine as possible for their sister station. However intense rivalry exists between Radio 1 and Radio 5 Live as events this week revealed; the secret emergency storage room - that houses all the drugs for staff members in case of a terrorist or nuclear attack and was modelled on Churchill's underground bunker - has allegedly been broken into and led to certain camps in Radio 1 believing that Radio 5 staff members were behind this infiltration. Radio 1 spokesperson has said the matter is being looked into but wants to assure its staff and senior DJs that they still have enough drugs to last until well after the Olympics.

A spokesperson for the UK Drugs Gangs has confirmed that this August is a bad time to get good quality coke as so many of the runners have been caught up in the rioting and had their drugs confiscated, whilst the drug bosses are mostly away enjoying their summer holidays in places like Ibiza. So the good stuff that is around, is being set aside for their priority big clients. They agree that it is going to be hard time for individual staff without the clout of the BBC to access good stuff.

BBC has refused to comment on the matter but has said there will be plenty of Red Bull at the party so they are hoping the staff should be satisfied with what is dubbed liquid cocaine by some.

This bad news for the staff follows the ruling from the European Court of Human Rights which rejected journalists from Radio 5 Live last minute plea to allow them to stay in London. The staff argued that they would never master Manc the official language of the city and so would become second class citizens. Due to the popularity in London for this decision, similar moves are being discussed to move the Guardian to Belfast and Saudi Arabia, and the Independent to a dustbin in the Isle of Wight.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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