6'5' "Jells" Clarkson hinted recently that he "might go all the way - you know, chop off the old todger, mount it on a plinth, award it annually in a 'prick of the year' ceremony. 'His Tonyness' springs to attention for the first one", he went on, w...
In a stunning "Eureka" moment, researchers have realised that the phasing out of carbon paper in the last forty odd years has been the sole cause of global warming. For readers under 40, in a pre-photocopier/printer age the blue/black ink soaked t...
Leading discreet celebrity shagaceleb agency Mosely-Twat-Mosely, was today revealed to include "Ramrod" Ramsey, "Squeaky" Becks and George "What's-white-and-runs-down-walls?" Michael, among its more needy clients. It is understood that George Michael...
The Ginga Virus (Viraerusticus) which causes hair to turn red is rampant. The normal 4.765% proportion of the population who are redheaded has spiralled to a known 70% plus. Exact figures could be higher as many do not admit to using hair dye. A...
Interpol has announced that following "unprecedented" international co-operation, a "particularly slimey" pedalophile ring has been broken up. "We have been closely in the wake of these despicable pedo's" said a buoyant Capt Pugwash of D.R.I.B.B.L...
One time bad boy, "Ossybin" has now fully integrated with W. Mid. society by joining the Rotary Club. "He will be a great asset", enthused veteran Rotarian Jasper Carrot, "the stories he can tell! it beats the one about me mole shooting! and it's...
The Australian inventors of the waterless toilet have signed Kylie Minogue to head their pro-motion campaign. "It seemed right somehow", bubbled an excited Kylie, "after all, we are both solid Ozzy icons". Australia, land of increasingly severe d...
Following the tragic death of a Maldon pensioner in a freak incontinence pants conflagration, the gov't today acted with new regulations effective immediately. Under the: Pants Incontinence Safety, Security Order Fire/Frost provisions of the 2008...
Homely Amy Winehouse is to star in this years Blackpool Tower's production of Aladdin. In an inspired coup for the resort, Amy has leapt at an offer to play "Widow Twankey" in the flying carpet/magic lamp romp, this season's star studded Christmas...
Pressure was mounting yesterday to review the dog warden service following a Dagenham detonating dog incident. The destructor chip, implanted in all dogs since 2003, malfunctioned, causing two Ipod listening youths to be deluged in dead dog debris.
An obviously emotional Gordon Ramsey spoke candidly to press today about his alleged affair with ex-jeffrey crim-archer's mistress Sarah Symonds. "It's not what you think, Sarah, my wife Tana, and I have a close relationship, we thought it best th...
In an all too familiar tragedy, Paris Hilton's small yellow bucket was yesterday claimed by a freak wave at the star's Bognor Regis hideaway. "Fuck it, not another bucket", fumed Herbert Squish, of the Beach Toy Protection League, "How many times...
Woolworth today announced that it's radical refinancing plan has been a huge success. The price of Pick 'n Mix has been doubled, but each purchase qualifies for one new share per sweet item. "We have had a huge take-up for the offer enthused a s...
In a radical move the NZ government is seeking "consultation" from interested parties, with a view to banning the widespread and traditional practice of smoking children. The practice, long popular with both Maori and European peoples is now consider...
In an innovative and bold move the Chinese government has instructed its population to breathe less. The country that strictly enforces a one child policy does not expect a problem in making sure the new initiative is successful. Chinese scient...
In a cruel attempt to cash in on the spiralling decline of Amy Winehouse, the aged writers of the cult spoof documentary, "Spinal Tap" are set to make a mockumentary based on Winehouse's short and erratic life. The production team confirmed that A...
Tens of Thousands are flocking to one American city which has defied the economic gloom and is booming. This beacon of hope for a new prosperity is a once small but now rapidly expanding city in America's mid west. Newspapers and TV scream the hea...
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