HOLLYWEIRD, CA -- Jada Pinkett Smith, best known for being the wife of the actor Will Smith, who is best known for being the father of aspiring actor Jaden, is "pleased" with the ten pounds she has added to her emaciated frame. "I'm naturally thin...
WHITEWASHINGTON -- Out to prove that he's as racist as anyone else, President Barack Obummer announced My Brother's Keeper, a multi-million-dollar program for "men and boys of color." White youth need not apply. "This be just for us bloods," t...
WAY DOWN UNDER -- It has humble origins. Found inside the intestines of a slaughtered sheep, in Western Australia, of all places, an ancient crystal known, among rock hounds, as a zircon, is the oldest piece of Earth on record. According to scient...
Another Canuck, "actress" Mercedes McNab, "not a bad-looking chick," says Hugh Humpher, publisher of Playboy magazine, in which she appears modeling her birthday suit, played Harmony Kendall in the television series Buffet the Vampire Player. In the same series, she later played a vampire named Harmony KenDodall (don't ask; it's not only complicated, but it's also asinine). Since then, she has app...
CHICAGO, IL -- PBS TV reporter Miles O'Brien recently gave his left arm for a news story. Two weeks ago, he was filming an investigative report about authorities' suspicion that photographic equipment was being stolen by members of an Asian crime...
WHITEWASHINGTON -- Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez left office in March 2013, due to a death in the family--his own--but his hard-partying daughters Rosa Virginia, 35, and Maria Gabriela, 33, refuse to vacate the premises, even though the current pre...
NEW YAWK -- Anderson Cooper, Rachel Maddox, Harvey Levin, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transvestites, transsexuals, and 99.99 percent of the rest of the American public are celebrating after sexist, anti-Semitic, racist, homophobic bigot Alex Baldwin,...
Lloyd's of London has insured Holly Madison's boobs for $1 million; there's no word as to whether she'd be paid $500,000 if something happened to just one of them. Her breasts' starring role in Peepshow prompted her to take out the policy. "People sure weren't watching me because I'm a great actress," she admits, "and I realized that, without my best assets--make that my only assets--I could becom...
EDINA, MN -- Feminists have charged that Dairy Queen is sexist. The very name of the soft-serve ice cream company, Sheila Battle-Axe, Professor of Women's Studies at the University of Feminist Studies, says, is "insulting to women." "Queen," she p...
Faced with a financial downturn and possible bankruptcy, the U. S. Bureau of Land Management, which manages not only land, but also wild horses, burros, rattlesnakes, jackrabbits, skunks, porcupines, armadillos, and a number of other "wildlife resour...
HOLLYWEIRD, CA -- Henrik received a standing ovulation--uh, ovation--when he unveiled the new look of the Academy Award-winning Academy Award trophy, Oscar, which he has "fully restored" to the sculpture's original state, adding the penis that the fi...
Kristen Kook, better known by her stage name, Kristen Kreuk, describes herself as a "mutt," because of her "mixed ancestry." Her father, Peter Kook, is Dutch, and her mother, Deanna Chia, creator of Chia Pets (terracotta figurines that spout chia instead of fur), is Chinese, Indonesian, Jamaican, and "what-not." Both parents are landscape architects, a profession that not only inspired Chia to...
WHITEWASHNTON, D. C. - On a tour of Starbucks coffeehouses, Joe Biden, President of Vice under Barack Obummer, did something that politicians, especially of his party, seldom, if ever, do: he told the truth. Specifically, he admitted that, des...
WHITEWASHINGTON, D. C. -- In an attempt to erode U. S.-Chinese relations, as he has eroded those between the U. S. and most of its allies, President Barack ("B. O.") Obummer met with Tibet's spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama on Friday, February 21.
She's smarter than Abraham Lincoln (I. Q. 128), Bill Clinton (I. Q. 137), Napoleon Bonaparte (I. Q. 145) Sigmund Freud (I. Q. 156), Benjamin Franklin (I. Q. 160), and even Stephen Hawking (I Q. 160). Three-year-old Alice Amos, of the United Kingdom (...
Jessica Alba has starred in a string of so-so movies, including Going Nowhere, The Secret of Allie's Rack, Fantastic Foursome, and The Rise of the Silver Phallus. Walter Scott called her a "sex symbol," and, in 2006, when she was 25, Maxim named her 99th in its list of "99 Most Desirable Women." Since then, she has fallen off the chart, although FHM gave her an "honorable mention" in its 2007 "...
Former U. S. President of Vice, Al Gore, who cannot make up his mind as to whether the planet is experiencing "global warming" or undergoing "climate change," is sure about one thing: the U. S. military is definitely "not the home of the best and the...
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