U. S. Bureau of Land Management wants to convert horses into horsemeat

Written by Gee Pee

Sunday, 23 February 2014


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Faced with a financial downturn and possible bankruptcy, the U. S. Bureau of Land Management, which manages not only land, but also wild horses, burros, rattlesnakes, jackrabbits, skunks, porcupines, armadillos, and a number of other "wildlife resources," has proposed a cost-cutting measure: killing off the species it is responsible for protecting!

The program costs $70 million per year just to "manage" wild horses. The director of U.S. Bureau of Land Management, Wild Horse and Burro Division chief has recommended that the herd be "thinned" by "culling" from its ranks "the sick, lame, and lazy."

Critics of the proposal suggest that, to save taxpayer money, the Bureau should rid itself of "the sick, lame, and lazy" among its own employees. "If they did that, in a year, they'd not only balance their budget," Beauregard Smythe suggest, "but they'd have a surplus of funds."

The chief has also suggested that the Bureau suspend the round-ups of mustangs "until Congress caves and comes up with the additional funds we need," which is estimated to be "somewhere between a billion and a trillion dollars."

In addition, the Bureau has recommended "sterilization" as a means of controlling the population, "much as the federal government uses abortion and birth control and promotes homosexuality to manage the human population."

The carcasses of the euthanized mustangs would not "go to waste," the chief says, "as some have suggested: they'd be ground up as meat byproducts for dogs and cats."

Presently, as many as 50,000 mustangs are incarcerated in "holding pens" to conserve "grassland and water resources," and, "without euthanization and sterilization," the captive mustangs "could surpass 60,000 in a year's time," the Bureau chief predicts. "We don't have the option of rent controls, food stamps, and free healthcare at our disposal, as Health and Human Services does."

The Bureau also wants to establish a :death panel" of veterinary experts who would determine the horses' fates after examining them. "A quick look at the teeth," the Bureau chief says, 'is all they'd need to decide which horses live and which are added to Fido's or Pussy's menus."

The Bureau chief is not concerned that euthanizing and sterilizing mustangs could violate the 1971 Wild Free-Roaming Horses and Burros Act, which forbids euthanizing or sterilizing wild horses or burros. "The president has a pen and a 'phone; that's all he needs to amend Congressional legislation."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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