Hollyweird's Hottest: Kristen Kreuk

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Saturday, 22 February 2014

Kristen Kook, better known by her stage name, Kristen Kreuk, describes herself as a "mutt," because of her "mixed ancestry." Her father, Peter Kook, is Dutch, and her mother, Deanna Chia, creator of Chia Pets (terracotta figurines that spout chia instead of fur), is Chinese, Indonesian, Jamaican, and "what-not."

Both parents are landscape architects, a profession that not only inspired Chia to invent her "pets," but also resulted in a hair salon that shapes women's pubic hair to resemble topiary. "We have quite a clientele," Peter boasts.

Kreuk is another of the many asinine Canadians who have invaded the U. S. (Justin Bieber is another) and who, many U. S. citizens believe, should be deported.

Kreuk won the role of Lana Lang, because no one else wanted the part. "I was the only one who auditioned," she admits, "so they chose me." Other actresses, she says, could not only act, but they were also less than confident that the show, Smallville, would survive its first season.

Like many other actresses (Sarah Michelle Gellar and Michelle Trachtenberg, for example), Kreuk started out in show business by starring in a soap opera, On the Edge di Mons Vesuvio. This role resulted in her landing an agent and a part in The Drifting of Snow White, which was shot in Vancouver, because no filmmaker in Hollyweird would touch the property.

Subsequently, Kreuk starred in Birth Me, before landing the role of Lang, appearing in Smallville, a TV series that was also shot in Vancouver, because no filmmaker in Hollyweird would touch the property. First on the couching cast, Kreuk was the first to be signed.

The series recounts the story of Clark Kent, a Kansas farmer who longs to be a superhero but has no superhuman powers, is clumsy, and has a low I. Q. (Some claim that M. Night Shyalaman stole the idea for Unbreakable from the Smallville series.)

The show surprised its critics: not only did it outlast its debut, but it endured for ten seasons. Kreuk left after the seventh season, however, as, by then, she couldn't stomach any more of the mindless storylines and was tired of being "pawed" by Kent (portrayed by Tom Welling), who she says, "was not only an inept lover, but an awkward one at that."

The series is responsible for the decline of the WB network, which is now defunct.

Kreuk has not done much in the way of acting since she left the show, having appeared in only a few movies, including such stinkers as Upchuck, Ben Hur (in which she plays the title character), and Beauty and the Beast (in which she portrays the Beast). Her agreeing to star in a film about bestiality, critics suggest, shows just how far she has fallen since Smallville.

Neither of the two TV pilots for which she auditioned, Chucky's Cheese and 17th Precinct Prostitute, were picked up, and Kreuk began to pitch Neutrogena as the company's "spokesmodel," the kiss of death, even in the Canadian film industry, insiders say.

However, due to her parents' willingness to finance her films, Kreuk was hired for roles in Eurotripper, Post-partum Tradition, Streetwalker: The Legend of the Chia Pet, Mission Possible: Ghost Proctologist, and In My Ecstasy. She also tried her hand at production, giving birth to Dublin, a French bulldog, by her live-in boy toy, voice-over "actor" Mark Hildreth.

She is an advocate for the pescetarian diet, because she enjoys the taste of fish heads, an appetite she attributes to her mother's Asian heritage.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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