Washington, DC - At a press conference held in the White House West Wing, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has announced President Obama is going to address the concerns of birthers, and those sitting on the fence. "As I speak, President Obama is sign...
PHILADELPHIA - The Thomas Jefferson hospital here has installed the nation's first and only DOG scan unit. It was purchased from the Siemens DOG shelter in Leipzig, Germany. "Dis iss a great day fur Philadelphia. The DOG scan vill perfectly compl...
CAROTID - Barney Fyfe, Defense Minister of Teflondia, has announced that his country and Souvlakia have declared war on each other. At a press conference held here today in the capital of Teflondia, he said that troops were sent across the border to...
NEW HOPE - Got anything to eat? I love to eat anything that's handy. Brambles, leaves, twigs, hay, grass, clothes, shoes. Actually, the list is endless. That's a nice Fendi dress you're wearing. What does it taste like? I like those Ferragamo loafers you have on. Bet they're chewy and spicy. I like that purse you're holding. Got anything in there to eat? No? That's OK. I'll just eat the purse i...
CHICAGO - At a meeting here of American college and university presidents, a motion was made and passed to lower the drinking age to 11. "At first the drinking age was 18. Then it was raised to 21, and caused a lot of resentment," stated Dr. Robe...
CALCUTTA - Architectural Digest, the premier lifestyles magazine, is featuring the Black Hole of Calcutta in this month's edition. "We wanted to do a spread on 19th century life, especially in the Third World" explained Paige Smith, editor in chi...
AKRON - At the Soapbox Derby time trials held here today, Lazlo Toth, a twelve year old participant in the race suffered a double hernia when he attempted to push his racecar up an incline. Toth was taken to the Henry Ford Hospital by ambulance,...
WELCH - Billy Bob Simpkins, a Pentecostal Christian and photographer in this West Virginia coal-mining town, has said that he is renouncing cameras. "The good Lord will take all the pictures I need," he told this newspaper. He also said that he w...
TUNIS - The foreign minister of Tunisia, I' bin Farteen, has announced that the northeast corner of the country has broken off and declared independence. He said that section of Tunisia is now calling itself Threenesia. He added he was confident that...
MONTE CARLO - Lance Garibaldi, a spokesman for the Presidential Palace held a press conference here today, and announced the formation of LATO - the Leftovers Atlantic Treaty Organization. "Since we were not allowed to join NATO, we decided to fo...
WASHINGTON, DC - Leo, a spokesman for the Predators Liberation Organization (PLO) has announced that he has become a vegetarian. Leo has also said that he is encouraging other lions to join him, stating, "The future of the planet is at stake." He...
VIENNA - Police here have announced that they have discovered a teddy bear, which has been imprisoned in a bunker on the outskirts of Vienna.
ALBANY - At a press conference held here today in New York State's capital, Governor David Paterson announced that New York State has formally declared war on New Jersey.
BALTIMORE - The Shopping News has promoted Sir John Smith to the newly created position of literary editor.
NEW YORK - Amber, an escort with the Diamond Dust Agency, wants the whole world to know she is born again. "I figured if I could get on my knees for a john, I could, like, get on my knees for the Lord, you know?", she said. Amber said she prefers...
HICKSVILLE - Hi, my name is Spot. Your yard or mine? Want to do it here? Ignore those passing cars. That was great.
BUFFALO - Snickers, a domestic shorthair, has said he is planning to attack the human who lives in the house, while he sleeps.
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