It may be early days, but Britons are already toasting their heroes as it is proved, once again, that when it comes to spouting hour after hour of loud, interminable and annoying drivel, Britain is best. "We've done it!", I was told by an excited...
Chief Secretary of the Treasury, Danny Alexander, has today confirmed that he has been asked to officially change his middle name from "Grain" to the more commonly used "Fucking". "It's true," said Alexander himself, whilst straightening George Os...
In the face of global panic, stock market analysts today warned of further problems to come. "This is no doubt a serious situation," warned fiscal analyst Hernst Sprank, of Deutsch Bank Der Bolloks "for sure, there has been a 62.3% rise in the mea...
Media sources have revealed that the fact that Amy Winehouse had drug and alcohol problems ceased to be amusing the very minute she died. Before that, obviously, the fact that she was merely clearly going to die young, was absolutely fucking hilar...
There was excitement on British shores today as Cable Telly released news that the latest series of hugely popular US sitcom For Fuck's Sake! will soon be on our screens. Producer Martha Flogger, who created the series with David Deadhorse back in...
It is morning. Escalating terrace of blank cloud. I put on the CD. How many times have I done this? How many times have my thoughts, in my head, run as a backdrop to the music that I listen to? Is my life a Godard film, soundtracked by the sounds I have heard since I started listening to music, me, in the grim 70's? If I could hold myself up, and look at my own thoughts, would I thin...
Pundits across Scotland are rubbing their hands at anticipation at what promises to be one of the most enthralling campaigns for many years. "I can't wait" says Dundee football correspondent Matty McStay, "United have got in the exciting talent, y...
Britain's many, many HGV drivers have today made a heartfelt appeal to the public to end the constant discrimination against their profession. "It's not on", said Steve Bloke, a member of pro-haulage organization, The Wagons Are The Solution, "peo...
The most important blow for democratic freedom for thirty years was struck today when, in frenzied scenes, some no-mark got his fifteen minutes of fame. Something genuinely interesting and important was unfolding before an enthralled nation, so it...
Despite his meteoric rise to power, his total control of the Senate, Tribunes and the Praetorian Guard and also the vice-like grip he held over the city for over fifteen years, it emerged today that not one single person in Rome had had much to do wi...
In the face of mounting public dislike, Simon Cowell has spoken candidly about the amount of distress he suffers on a day to day basis. "I'm a multi millionaire", Cowell remarked, "Everyone does what I says, the money keeps coming in. I live in a...
Hey there! I was sitting around the other day, at my parents, rolling a fat one, and I just thought to myself - "I'm not just not ready to stop travelling yet, I think I'll head off to Asia or the Pacific or something." I was comparing the life I had last year, when I was backpacking around Egypt to the one I have now, you know, trying to find a job, get a bond together to move out of my par...
Researchers have today uncovered conclusive proof that an Australian man who owns some newspapers is to blame for everything bad that happened in the last twenty years. "It's been a living hell" said Mr T.B, a former lawyer, "for years I had to do...
A blameless British population were today waking up to the true horror of the abuse suffered by them over the last thirty years. "My god, I cannot believe it!" said Derek Scutter, 31, of Billericay. " If I had known for one moment that all that stuff about murdered schoolgirls and dead soldiers had been gained in an underhand manner, do you think I would still have paid to read it?" "I mean,...
Dear Dr Jon, A pensioner drove into the back of me at 2mph in Aldi car park. I've been watching cable telly, and I think I'll sue her, because, mysteriously, my neck's gone a bit stiff nine weeks later. Will you do a report? No I fucking won't. The least the bunch of Ambulance Chasers you've engaged to make money in your name can do is bother to find a shill themselves. Dear Dr Jon, Sorry I...
Dear Dr Jon, I have a slight cough and my doctor won't give me antibiotics. For some reason I am obsessed with getting antibiotics, mainly because my mum says I should have them, though neither of us know the difference between a virus and a bacteria. What shall I do? You should for just one sodding moment try to remember that there are people in hospital whose arms have fallen off due to anti...
Speculation was mounting today as to what the fuck it is that you can actually have on someone that is so good it stops them just bloody sacking you. "I mean, are there actually some bodies on a hillside somewhere?" said media industry insider Gar...
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