Scottish Football Poised for Thrilling Season

Funny story written by Dr Jon

Friday, 22 July 2011


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St Mirren take on Dunfermline.

Pundits across Scotland are rubbing their hands at anticipation at what promises to be one of the most enthralling campaigns for many years.

"I can't wait" says Dundee football correspondent Matty McStay, "United have got in the exciting talent, young Jocky Williams from Cowdenbeath, two Latvians and some French guy I've never heard of. They're ready for a sustained challenge..oh fuck it, who I'm I kidding. Get me a fucking drink. God, I'm depressed."

In Aberdeen, keen Dons fans are ready to cheer on their team, who are expected to play in front of crowds of almost fifteen hundred people.

"It's a new dawn for the Dons", claims Malky McDay of the supporters club. "We've got an eight foot bloke from Northern Ireland in to pump it up to, and some Norwegians to scurry about kicking people."

"As long as I don't run out of Temazepam, I'll just about get through this."

"Christ, what's that smell of fish?"

Meanwhile, preparations are obviously feverish in Glasgow, where the most tedious and relentless two horse race in sporting history is about to wearily roll into it's twenty sixth year. As ever, it is the key details that are coming under scrutiny

"We've got a lot of foreign lads in" chuckles a representative of Glasgow's finest, "so we've had them out every day learning the importance of flutes, lillies, bowler hats, flags and why a fight over the English crown in a ditch near Drogheda between a Dutchman and some bloke who spent most his life in France is of crucial importance to Scottish football."""

"It takes some doing, I tell you!"

Meanwhile, the Scottish media are gearing up their finely honed operation, establishing how to film a football game through driving rain, how to interview a barely coherent Faroese centre back during a blizzard, and where to place the cameras so that Inverness's ground looks a bit like a stadium and not just a municipal park with a B&Q shed on it.

Ray McGray, chief football writer for the Edinburgh sports papers, and author of seminal work 'Hibs and Hearts: Why the fuck do they bother?' believes there is no football experience like it.

"I mean who will win? Rangers? Or perhaps Celtic? Or maybe, this year Rangers after all? Or, Celtic?"

"But while you wait to find out, you can flick onto Sky Sports Three and enjoy watching that lad who was let go by Crewe getting outclassed by an ageing has-been who's here for one last pay day."

"On Sunday night. In the dark. And the pissing rain. When the proper games have all finished."

"That's Scottish Football."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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