Financial Meltdown in Prospect as Panic Takes Hold

Funny story written by Dr Jon

Friday, 5 August 2011


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In the face of global panic, stock market analysts today warned of further problems to come.

"This is no doubt a serious situation," warned fiscal analyst Hernst Sprank, of Deutsch Bank Der Bolloks "for sure, there has been a 62.3% rise in the meaningless crap index, and pointless shit futures have risen up to 72.77%. Or fallen. Or something"

"What is clear is that some rich people have got slightly richer. And some rich people have got slightly less rich"

"But most of the rest of us are a bit fucked."

Figures show that two men in Palm Beach who had down payments on a ninth Ferrari and a mistress who fancies some plastic surgery are feeling the global squeeze, and have diversified their holdings to consolidate their long term goals.

The knock on effect include 670 job losses in Middlesbrough, the collapse of the Hungarian healthcare system and 22,000 deaths in India from Cholera

Governments across the world have moved to quell mounting concerns.

"It is important that we take a realistic and responsible approach to this temporary setback." announced European finance minister Giovanni Del Cack.

"The vast majority of people have to accept that, despite initial estimates, global capitalism will not deliver ever increasing riches to everybody, all of time."

"Despite what we said."

"However, if we all pull together, make sacrifices, accept hardship and live on gruel, rich men will still have large yachts and be able to invite me to barbecues in Monaco."

"In tricky times, I for one, feel that this fundamental is worth holding on to."

Careful, in depth analysis has demonstrated clearly where the problem lies, and across the world, leading political figures are making the issues clear.

Populist politician, Tony Twat, in an exclusive interview for the Daily Middlebrow, made it clear.

"The problem is clearly very poor people travelling desperately across the world in an attempt to avoid starving to death, being tortured or dying of leprosy."

"Most of these people have strangely coloured skin, funny accents, odd clothes and unusual ways."

"Compared to the wealthy, they have systematically failed to be born in the right place, at the right time, to the right parents, and they must be held accountable for that."

"Fuck them."

Research from the department of Economics, Harvard University, has lead to debate about the fundamental systemic failure that has led to our current predicament.

On the one hand, every single time we've all thought we're getting magically richer has turned into a bit of a fucking disaster

On the other hand- We were all getting richer! Wahay!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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