No One in Rome Ever Had Anything to Do With Sejanus, Records Show

Funny story written by Dr Jon

Sunday, 17 July 2011


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O tempora o mores!

Despite his meteoric rise to power, his total control of the Senate, Tribunes and the Praetorian Guard and also the vice-like grip he held over the city for over fifteen years, it emerged today that not one single person in Rome had had much to do with the chap at all.

No, it appears that Lucius Aelius Seianus managed to occupy all the top offices of state, coin in a fortune in bribes and bend public policy to his will, whilst at the same time, not one single member of Rome's ruling elite were compromised or implicated.

At least, that's the records from 31 AD, the year of his fall from grace, appear to show.

One Drusus Claudius Agrippa, a member of the equestrian class, leaves the following account,

"Kill him! Throw his body down the Gemonian Stairs! Rape his daughter! Hurrah! I've been saying all along he was a nocens pomum. It's just you probably didn't hear me that well. I've had a bit of a sore throat for sixteen years."

Also quoted at the time was Agrippa Drusus Claudius, writing in his annals.

"I've been calling for his downfall for years! Very quietly, obviously, whilst dining with him, giving him money and accepting that job as governor of Syria. But I never agreed with him. Oh shit, who's that at the door? Legionaries? (o feculentia , quisnam est ut a procul ianua a legio?)

Meanwhile the diaries of the then Emperor, Tiberius Nero, cast an intimate look at the burden of power of Rome's highest office.

Professor Milly Dowdy, of the School of "Does Anyone Still Actually Fucking Study That?", Oxford, tells me that whilst the commoner in the Roman population may have believed a new order of justice was about to begin, Tiberius was already planning his next move.

Taking down a dusty volume, she excitedly points to an ancient handwritten passage.

"October the 18th. Bit bored of male prostitutes dressed as women. Might switch to male prostitutes dressed as women dressed as men. Or is that pointless? Bloody hell, I am debauched."

"Briefly pausing to laugh at the idiots trying to distance themselves from Sejanus. Desperate to point out that if they thought he was a ballache, they're clearly not met Naevius Sutorius Macro, but that'd spoil the joke."

"Shit, I'm bored and decadent. Think I'll make Caligula my successor. He's absolutely fucking mental.."

"That'll teach the twats (pudenda)"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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