Written by Dr Jon

Sunday, 17 July 2011

image for The Effect of this Abuse of Simon Cowell Literally Cannot be Quantified
He's on his uppers now, isn't he?

In the face of mounting public dislike, Simon Cowell has spoken candidly about the amount of distress he suffers on a day to day basis.

"I'm a multi millionaire", Cowell remarked, "Everyone does what I says, the money keeps coming in. I live in a massive house, own a collection of fantastic cars and can buy anything I want. I even got a fast lap time on Top Gear"

"So, screw you all, of course I don't give a shit what some fat idiot from Wakefield thinks of me as long as they keep making me money."

Researchers have conclusively found that the way to actually annoy someone like Cowell is to stop watching his television programmes, stop buying the things he advertises, stop listening to the shitty music he promotes and stop throwing cash away on all the other myriad piles of crappy tat he flogs.

Obediently gawping like a dumb amphibian at a gaudy television show which exploits the vanity of the genuinely damaged to keep a river of cash rolling through his door is not going to harm his prospects in any way, even if you do occasionally remark that he seems like a bit of a wanker whilst watching it.

"Unless you actually can bring yourself to not watch this shit" says Mindy Bingle, Senior Lecturer in Pointless Crap at the University of Weymouth, "it's all just grist to his mill."

"You know, starting a Facebook campaign to make some dogshit Nine Inch Nails song number one, for example."

"That just gives him more publicity, which is how he makes his corn, whilst making you yourself look a bit like Rick from 'The Young Ones'"

Media analysts have dubbed this phenomenon "The Piers Morgan" effect, where everybody slaps themselves on the back at the supposed comeuppance of a obvious prick, but fails to notice he has become immensely rich.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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