Tom Cruise - My Fake Diary

Saturday, 5 August 2006

Diary,

The world knows so little about me. So very little. They do not know that I was born with no hair or teeth, and that I was uglier than a fart. They do not know that when I came out of my mother, the doctor said to her, "Don't forget to wipe yourself."

No, dear Diary, nobody comprehends the difficulties I have observed. It is these difficulties and my subsequent triumph over them, that has made me what I am: a guy that people only like in the movies.

Yes, dear Diary, I know I am a loud-mouthed, self-righteous billionaire, but it means nothing. Nothing at all. Except a few billion dollars.