Santa Claus - My Fake Diary

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

8.00 Ho Ho Ho bloddy Ho. Don't know what you lot are so happy about, but I have a hell of a day today. Nearly all my stock toys are from China, and the paint has completely irritated Rudolph's nose to the extent that it is red raw. He's right off his carrots.

9.00 Haven't time for breakfast. Just a quick beard dip into some bleach to freshen it up. Bloody sleigh failed its MOT yesterday. Have to go to "Sleighs R Us" for a new one.

10.00 The elves are revolting. Happy is feeling Grumpy. Sneezy is feeling Dozy. And Bashful is trying to feel that Emma girl from Harry Potter. I'm now knee deep in black eyes.

11.00 Must have a coffee and a slice of toast. Love that Marmite stuff.

12.00 They've changed my itinerary around on Christmas Eve and I now have to do the whole of Canada in the morning. It's a bugger because parts of Canada can be sooooo French, and we all know what the bloody French are like.

1.00 The politically correct brigade have written to head office. Can't sit any girls between 11 and 16 or any boys in shorts on my knee. Bloomin' 'eck, I've been doing this job for nigh on 120 years now and not one complaint to date. It's been bloody murder since Mary flipping Whitehouse arrived in hell. Always on the phone complaining about this and that. Just can't get on with what I'm doing.

2.00 The National union of Sack-Packers have arrived for a meeting. It seems that with all the overcrowding in British jails, we now have a glut of sacks.

3.00 Afternoon tea time. New sleigh has been delivered. A nice shiney red one, with a kitten hanging from the front - that's the cat nav. Just glad it's not a piece of toilet paper, otherwise it would be the shat nav.

5.00 Rudolph's nose is getting better now he's had a day of ointment. Poor chap.

7.00 Banged on the TV for Emmerdale. Those bloody Christmas advertisements for cheap self-assembly furniture and permanent sale sofas. What is it with people? Do they only buy furniture at Christmas? Corry is meant to be good this evening.

11.00 Off to bed for a read. Am up to page 398 in the Argos catalogue and want to finish it off by the weekend.