Ray Mears - My Fake Diary

Sunday, 6 April 2008

This is weird I thought - I want to go North. There was no way I was going to get off. This is like some twilight zone of 70s sitcom.

The driver was quite flatulent and the farts he emitted would rattle the windows of the bus! I guess that he was the infamous Henry BLOWFELT.

If fact there was an old lady sitting in the seat behind Benson who was also stroking a large white Persian cat then behing her was a man with an Olivetti portable typewriter. He was coughing a lot. I guess this was none other than Ian Fleming working on his latest spy thriller.

I expect those cats inspirired that evil moggy - a must have for all world dominmating baddies.

I asked the old lady behind if he name was Mrs Slowcombe because she had a nice pussy.

"No young man, my name is Mrs Hedges and that's my brother in front John. John Benson."

Suddenly it all became Clear.

"Ah Benson & Hedges & the cigarette giants?"

"Sssshhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she said in a librarian voice.

"I don't want everyone to know!" she said.

Eventually the bus pulled out of the depot with an inspector on board onto the M6 Northbound. I grew excited at the thought of seeing my love. I wonder if she smokes B & H? I thought...........


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