Ray Mears - My Fake Diary

Tuesday, 18 March 2008

"Anyway Chiles how come your down here, I thought you were up the North Pole?"

"I was and I had built that impressive stadium so that West Brom could do their training. That was where I met with Al who cycled here from Newcastle to ask if I could build one there."

"Then the BBC dropped a bombshell from another mailplane telling me that they want to use it for their series of "Dancing on Ice". I was so angry that I dumped my chainsaw in an icehole and joined Alan on whis world scouting tour - 'The Wrong Way Round'."

"Oh I just wondered if you were stalking me?"

(I had my suspicions because he appeared to be jealous of my infatuation with Al's derriere.)(

"No, no, no," he said "tis just pure coincidence!"

I did remonstrate with him;

"Hey Chiles, this is MY diary, not yours! If you want one get yer own!"

"OK, OK, I'll get me own." he said.

"I'm getting fed up of people butting in."

Chiles asked me for another goat scratching and he said he would like a drink. I dislodged a rock and found all kind of reptillia under the stone. I managed to catch a big slow moving 'Saharan Goat Toad' which was full of moisture.

Years ago I met a Saharan Bushman (when there were still bushes) who taught me how to get 'water' out of them. Remembering this, I wringed him out like a face cloth and gave the purified contents of his kidneys for Chiles to drink. The water was better than 'Perrier' spring water.

Unfortunately, about an hour later, Chiles was taking a leak and got bit on the end of his tadger by a Saharan Cobra. There was NO WAY I (or Alan) were going to suck the poison out! It was horrible to see Chiles writhing in pain and all we could do was make him as comforable as possible in his last few hours.

As the sun got lower, Me and Al decided to make a makeshift shelter and camp down for the night. Our last night with Chiles. He was already delerious and thought West Bromwich Albion had won the FA cup.

We managed to find a dead camel and I thought I could build some kind of refuge within its sunbleached rib cage.

Good huh?