Mitt Romney - My Fake Diary

Monday, 8 July 2013

"Barack Obama didn't defeat Mitt Romney; Mitt Romney defeated Mitt Romney. All through the campaign, it was a constant battle with myself to do good PR to cover for my bad gooey. The "Mother Jones" video was the big buckshot that flailed this Republican turkey. I didn't know one of their reporters was in the audience with a cell phone that had a camera attached! I didn't even know there was such an invention! Later, I find my own kids have them! Shucks darn, I shouldn't have ever said that 77% of Americans were worthless parasites. Or was it 87%? I didn't actually say 97%, did I?! Gosh darnnit, I thought "Mother Jones" was some rinky dink sheet on the outskirts of nowheresville, run out of the back room of a tavern. Then I discovered they've got a print circulation of a half billion! That stupid video goes viral; I take a quick breath; then every news outlet in the world has it! "Mother Jones" goes on to win a whole batch of journalism awards at my expense! At my expense! I heard "Mother Jones" is named after some crazy 80-some-year-old woman who used to riot around coal mining camps. It figures!"