George W. Bush - My Fake Diary

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Dear Diary,

Sorry it has been so long since I've written. Look on the bright side, before I became President I couldn't even write! I wanted to tell you about something that happened to me earlier this year that really shook me up.

I woke up one frosty morning and looked out the bedroom window to see the newly fallen snow on the back lawn. Unfortunately, somebody had bespoiled the scene by writing "You suck George!" in urine across the snow.

I was pretty sure it must have been Dick Cheney that did it. He always used to bully me when I was in office; giving me swirlies in the Oval Office private bathroom, wedgying me in front of foreign digitaries, and taping over all my press conferences with re-runs of "The View". After leaving Washington, he has not had as many opportunities to torment me. Sure, I still get the occassional flaming bag of dog poop on the doorstep, and somebody reprogrammed all my speed-dial settings to call 1-800-HOT-GUYS, but nothing major until now.

After changing out of my smurf pj's and downing a big bowl of Count Chocula cereal, I went to see some of the secret service folks to complain about the message scrawled on the lawn. I told them about the defacement and my suspicions about the author of the crude note. They advised that they would run a few tests and get back to me.

I spent most of the rest of the day playing Webkinz and trying to win Quizzy's Challenge. My current high score is 26! I had pretty much forgotten about the morning's disappointment, but was reminded by the entry from the Chief of Security. He announced he had mixed news about the tests they had run on the urine scripted message. His exact words were:

"Mr. President, I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that we have confirmed it's Dick Cheney's urine. The bad news is that it's your wife Laura's handwriting."

Sometimes that Cheney guy can be a real dick!

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