David Hasselhoff - My Fake Diary

Tuesday, 7 October 2003

Half the people I help put away are out and causing crime within a year. It makes me crazy, but it keeps me in a job, and for that I'm happy.

There was a time, I think it was 2 summers ago, when Kitt and I had absolutely nothing to do. Basically we sat around all day in the sun...I'd drink cocktails and Kitt would tell me about Ralph Macchio. I swear, I used to know everything there was to know about Ralph because of Kitt.

But as I was saying, 2 summers ago there was a 'crime drought'. My English friend was a bit annoyed that I didn't do anything, but I was all like:

"My English friend, relax. Go and watch 'Days of our Lives' and stop twiddling your nipples about it."

My English friend used to kick me up the butt and tell me I was a bum. To which I would respond:

"Yeah, well at least a bum is a tramp in this country. When I call you a bum, I mean a bum in your country!"

That confused him. And me. Bums. Titties.

It was a crazy summer but it soon ended. Once the Mariachlan clan moved into the local Casino-come-Restaurant, crime soon shifted up a gear. Which reminds me, I'd better go and fix Kitt up. I put my gum on his gear-stick whilst I was snoozing the other day, and it won't come off now.

Keep it tight.

The Hoff