ORLANDO, FL - During a careful self-examination of his pre-pubescent body in his dressing room while preparing to go onstage at his concert here in Florida this past weekend, Justin Bieber got the biggest shock of his brief life thusfar...he's growing up!
While the angst of adolescence hits most everyone at Justin's age, sweet 16, the enchantment of success many times softens the blow, making things like voice changes in boys and developing breasts in girls seem less dramatic. When your parents allow you to buy a townhome before you can legally stock it with alcohol, the last thing you might fret over is the onset of puberty.
Justin spoke of his important self-discovery in front of a record crowd of 23,180 screaming fans at Orlando's Sunshine Arena on Saturday. "Hey, ya'll...I just wanted you to know that I finally got hair downstairs!" The mob erupted in jubilation as the songbird announced the news. "I'd let you all see it, but they might haul me off to jail. That's what backstage passes are for!" Bieber winked twice then waited for the deafening roar to die down before continuing.
"It's just one, and it was a long time in coming, but like my life's message reminds us all, we must 'never say never.' You see, I began to doubt if I'd ever see my first pube. Months have gone by since I started watching out for one to show up. All my buddies have lots of them...they've shown me theirs, and it made me feel, well, inadequate...among other things." A sympathetic chorus of "aaaawww" rolled through the crowd, and Bieber immediately found the words to cheer them up. "And ya'll, just when I least expected it, the darn thing just popped up sometime in the last couple of days...the hair, I mean!"
After another awe-inspiring performance by the teeny-bopping heartthrob, Mr. Bieber retired to his touring bus to contemplate what to do now that adulthood is quickly approaching. Besides attempting to suppress the natural process of voice deepening that will surely follow secondary hair growth, the latest information gathered suggests that Bieber might be considering donating his first pubic hair to the Smithsonian Institution as an inclusion into its Celebrity Curiosities Museum. This little known part of the Smithsonian houses some of America's best known celebrity personal artifacts. The curiosity of all this, some argue, is why anyone would be intrigued by seeing some of the things on display here.
Among more "normal" artifacts that can be seen here, such as the Fonz's leather jacket or a dress worn by Marilyn Monroe, are other pieces of pop cultural history not so warmly remembered by the visitors. Such curiosities include the first breast implants, made of aluminum, that resided in the bosom of the late Bea Arthur, of "Maude" and "Golden Girls" fame. The uncomfortable and apparently dangerous pair were removed after Arthur's husband broke an index finger during a passionate encounter back in 1973.
Other strange artifacts include one of William Shatner's toupees, a rather curly one from the "T.J. Hooker" days, an actual booger harvested from the nostrils of Jimmy Durante while he was sleeping on the set of his last movie before he passed away (reportedly called a "whopper" like the organ from which it came), and a nipple ring kindly donated by Cher, who never actually used it because she apparently couldn't go through with the piercing.
Perhaps the most bizzare addition to this macabre collection of celebrity artifacts is one that was given anonymously, although there is speculation that the identity of the donor is easily established. The item seems innocuous enough, but it has a very strong history, to be sure. Nothing more than a simple piece of plastic to the untrained eye, this actually is one of the four known artificial nose bridges removed from none other than the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson. It was extracted from Jackson's nose during the fifth and final rhinoplasty operation that surgeons performed on him back in 2004, and replaced, according to unofficial sources, by one made with metal taken from one of his many platinum records melted down for the procedure.
Bieber's contribution to the museum would definitely be one of the more peculiar ones if he decides to give the hair away. When asked if he would prefer to pluck it or cut it, Bieber was undecided, but he seemed to lean toward the latter. "Cutting it wouldn't hurt nearly as much as pulling it out by the root, but it's only an inch long right now." Bieber uncomfortably pulls at his crotch and resumes his thought. "I'm not sure how long they get, so I'd probably wait and cut it in a few weeks, you know, to give it more time to grow longer and spare me the pain of plucking it."
Justin responded sheepishly when pressed to disclose the exact location of the hair within his pelvic region. "It's down there where it should be, and that's all I will say at this time."
The Museum of Celebrity Curiosities expressed serious interest upon learning of Bieber's possible plans. "Of course, we'll accept the donation. We accept all such personal donations by celebrities, although we aren't really sure where we would introduce the acquisition into display." Robert Tisdale, chief curator of the museum, remarked this morning. "My best guess is that it would go in the young starlets' section alongside such rarities as a pair of frilly panties worn by Shirley Temple in one of her later childhood movies, as evidenced by residual bloodstains from a mentrual period on the set...morbid but nonetheless interesting, indeed."
Asked if he might consider donating his second pubic hair, when or if he gets another one, to charity for a possible fundraiser auction, Bieber pulled his collar down in an apparent attempt to spot any hair growing on his chest. He then answered firmly. "Man, I haven't even decided if I'm giving the first one away yet. I mean, what if it doesn't grow back? I'd be toast with my fanbase, especially the ladies!"
Bieber began rubbing his chin between his thumb and fingers, as if in serious contemplation, or perhaps searching for a hair there as well. Then a crafty smile enveloped his face. "However, it might be kind of neat if the winner of that hair knew how to or had a parent who could clone people in a lab somewhere. They could make a bunch more of me with my own DNA, and we could all get together and form a band." Bieber's attention was momentarily lost in a blank stare as he envisioned this scenario. "I would be the leader, and we could name it 'Justin and the Biebers' or 'Bieber and the Clones', and we could all have the same hairstyles and wear the same clothes, like the Beatles did when they got famous. Cool, huh?!!"
Regardless of the fact that Justin Bieber is rapidly maturing into a young adult right before our eyes, obviously he can still find plenty to daydream about, there somewhere in that whimsical, limitless world of this adolescent's fertile imagination...hair or no hair.