The CIA has announced that it has obtained a list, containing detailed plans regarding Russia's preparations to invade Ukraine, and then initiate a war with the United States.
The list includes:
1. Infiltrating online Russian bride dating sites with burly KGB officers dressed in bikinis and wearing wigs.
2. Propaganda team Photoshopping an image of Vladimir Putin knocking out Barack Obama in the boxing ring.
3. Announcing that absolutely nothing is going to happen on the evening of 1 April 2014. Nothing at all.
4. Flooding English Soccer League with new Oligarchs, in an attempt to get poorly supported teams such as Rochdale and Fleetwood Town into Premier League.
5. Organizing victory parades in Moscow for April 5 2014.
6. Ordering enough paint to paint the Statue of Liberty Red.
7. Hiring stone masons, who have detailed plans of carving Vladimir Putin's face into Mount Rushmore.
The White House has yet to comment on this report, as they are too busy evacuating the Oval Office and preparing to shift the base of US Government to Peru.