Written by Rusty
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Topics: Poo, Dubai, Sewage

Monday, 13 October 2008

image for Raw Sewage Threat to Booming Dubai
Freshly-hooked Dubai Beach Muffin

The once-pristine tropical beaches bordering the prestigious Dubai Yacht Club and neighbouring prime tourist hang-outs have recently become swamped in raw sewage.

The putrid problem is caused by the illegal dumping of untreated crap in Dubai's inland storm drain network, as the city's rapid growth outstrips its meagre and pitiful infrastructure at an estimated rate of ten to one.

Outside Dubai's only sewage treatment plant there are long queues of sewage tankers and serious delays due masses of excreted coconut shells and date stones causing havoc and jamming the works of the plant's filtration machinery.

Dubai's Minister of Sewage, Sheik Well-before-using, a former flatpack tent erector, told tourism reporters "It's all these undigested date and fruit stones getting through to the filtration systems and blocking it up."

"So the truck drivers emptying the city's septic tanks, who get paid by the shit load, are losing out having to queue for hours at the plant waiting to discharge legally.

"Hence after dark the drivers are taking a shortcut and dumping their loads straight into manholes and storm drains meant only for rainwater, resulting in gallons of liquid shite flowing directly into the Gulf - right next to the prime tourist beaches.

"Thus, with one and a half million arseholes discharging into our sewage system on average every day you might say Dubai's shit out of luck".

Wazir al-Sniggit, the Luton-educated head of the Marine and Environmental Protection Agency, told the media they had released several large shoals of imported African shit-eating turdfish into the coastal waters recently, but all had been stricken with a previously-unknown strain of pelagic dysentery and were decimated within days.

However Sniggit maintains, in an attempt to reassure tourists, that his agency's latest test results show samples of the Gulf's waters are "within the standard".

"Samples were taken from three locations - the harbour café washroom, my apartment's shower and from the Yacht Club's swimming pool," explained Mr. al-Sniggit. "It is safe according to our report - within the safe limit - apart from a few drifts of surface clinkers and the odd turd paddling around.

"Just remember keep your mouth closed and not to swallow anything lumpy when taking a swim and all should be fine".

But independent tests arranged by the Dubai Yacht Club show the Gulf's coastal waters to be highly contaminated with bacteria and human faeces floating in the sea.

"Our tests show the water isn't safe," related Jeremy Barton-Snott, General Manager of the Yacht Club. "Mr. al-Sniggit's remarks about a 'few drifts of clinkers along the coast is totally false. It's more like an entire flotilla of shitbits.

"Only yesterday I went out in one of our fast rescue craft to retrieve what I took for a capsized wind surfing board. It turned out to be a twelve-foot long agglomeration of turds with a sail stuck in the middle. Very nasty indeed, a veritable shit-fest".

Yacht club member Dr. Harry Shipman, head of Dubai's Euthanasia Medical Centre, advised reporters "Our laboratory tests indicate the coastal waters are highly contaminated with leptospirosis and several other types of evil-sounding bacteria I can't even spell."

However, what is troubling Mr. al-Sniggit and his Marine and Environmental Protection Agency staff even more than the current problem is a crisis of Biblical proportions they consider might just be waiting to happen.

Only one of Dubai's many storm water outlets is currently open and this has been the singular polluting source resulting from the illegal sewage dumping so far.

However, when the first rains come to Dubai this winter all the other outlets will be discharging torrents into the sea along the entire coastline and no-one yet exactly knows how much illegally-dumped festering sewage they currently contain.

Markus Squirrelgroper, a German consultant Crapologist for the Houston-based multi-national sewage processors Shitpits R Us, hired by the Dubai administration to sort out the mess, spoke to an interviewer from the Dubai Daily Dipshit News TV station earlier today.

"Yeah, wot der fuck dese Arab sheik plonkers are tinkin' I am not knowin'.

"Dey are makin' how many palm islands here in de Gulf for dese luxury house and tourist hotel an' not tinkin' where do all de shit gonna go, eh.

"Dey haff how many tousands of dese curry-swiller from Pakistan here as labourer dat making a shit maybe ten times a day and only haff one shit treatment plant for de whole place.

"You know in Washington DC dey haff fifty treatment plants for all de shit dat goes on dere".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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