Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Poo, Virgin Mary

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

image for Excreted Log Carries Image of the Virgin Mary
Special Viewing Aparatus for the Image

Reports of human waste taking on the image of the Virgin Mary were rampant in one local Chicago community yesterday, as thousands gathered to pay homage at the sighting. Appearing in the ladies restroom of a South-side Chicago diner, Mrs. Joanna Watson who found the image just below the water line, threw her hands up in the air in praise as she ran through the restaurant screaming "Mother Mary, Mother Mary, It's a miracle."

Diner owner, Hanz Heimlich, was forced to charge admission for a personal viewing of the floating image as patrons had only come to loiter and pray instead of eat. "I would have been out of business", said Heimlich. "I had to make a living somehow if people weren't here for the blue plate special".

People were waiting in line for nearly two hours yesterday, but gladly paying $5 for a few moments with the precious image. One devoted Christian said, "It was beautiful. I could almost see a glow." Another patron commented, "Well, let's just say that I could smell the glow. It's a two-flusher for sure."

Watson returned to the site late in the day with other members of her family, only to find that the human waste had started to decompose in the water, taking some of the recognizable facial features away. "You can still see her nose." Watson proclaimed. "No wait, that's just corn."

Reluctantly Watson and Heimlich had both agreed that they should leave the diner open as a shrine for one more day, but that the temporary miracle would need to be sent to the sewer after that. "At least I had a chance to gaze at her beautiful face once." Watson proclaimed. "I was moved beyond words."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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