MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - The Prime Minister delivered a robust speech to the Labour Party conference today, defending his record and explaining why he was the best man to steer the country through difficult economic times. He also rebuffed critics of his public image telling the packed conference hall, "You can't polish a turd, so why try?"
Mr Brown went on to detail some of the measures he would not be taking to bolster Labours position ahead of the local and European election set for June 2009. "Let me tell you that public opinion or media criticism will not change our economic policies, even if they don't work. We must stay true to our values as we stagger from one crisis to another and my poll rating drops through the floor."
Delegates filing out of hall afterwards gave the speech the thumbs up. Cllr Tom Redscombe, of Lancashire, was effervescent in his praise. "At last Gordon has admitted he is a turd of a prime minister. Now we can all accept him as the turd that he is, move forward, and stop trying to polish him all the time."
Leadership plotters were caught off guard by the speech. Siobhan McDonagh, who was sacked as a government whip after demanding a leadership election, admitted that their campaign was in tatters. "We have based our challenge to Gordon based on the public and media perception that he is crap. Now he's come out and owned up to it, we have nothing to criticise him for."