"Nothing Remotely Iffy" about that bloke, say Lawyers

Funny story written by Dr Jon

Saturday, 2 July 2011


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Well there was nothing else to do! I'd had the free cup of tea. And the biscuit. Read the paper. Watched a bit of Telly.

Defence Lawyers have moved quickly to point out that the latest information proves there is absolutely nothing to worry about regarding a very well-off and powerful chappy who ran the whole world's finances and wanted to be a President.

"Now look here," said, said Maybert Flimponk, of defence Lawyers Shill, Shill and Flimponk, " latest evidence proves that the alleged victim is not only an immigrant, she's also black, and may be really quite dumb."

"This conclusively demonstrates this cannot be rape, and that the rich man, sorry, defendant's story that he just happened to fancy shagging one of the workforce before he checked out is a clear moral defence."

The World exhaled in collective relief when it realised that a wealthy man hadn't done anything really that appalling. It was seemingly the absolutely normal phenomena of a busy chap, who whilst you might think he had better things on his mind, like not letting the whole world's money go to shit and that, chose to while away a few dull hours prior to getting on a plane by trying to boff a passing scullion.

Commentators also point out that there was really no need to want to vomit at the widespread acceptance that this was perfectly normal behaviour for him, and it seems that he thinks everything in a skirt wants it shown to her, even though he looks like Michael Winner inflated with helium. That's fine, apparently, and no bar to a lifetime in politics.

They point out again, he's quite rich.

Analysts have managed to contribute whole articles on the issue without lapsing into crude xenophobia and attributing this behaviour to the fact he's French.

Unfortunately, all this good work was undone when it was revealed the other party was a black African and thus, they have since hinted repeatedly that she and all her associates must therefore be crooks and drug dealers.

"I like everybody, feared this was a truly horrible story" remarks man of letters, Guillaumme Stalz, "but it turns out it's just the common and everyday tale of a bloke who can't keep it in his pants, an illiterate women being exploited for cash, and the world looking on for any salacious detail."

"Absolutely no need to collapse weeping, fearing for all our souls and sanity at all, then."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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