Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 19 March 2015


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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image for Derelict Soap Dispenser Found At School
Paper? Why?

Authorities in the Thai capital of Bangkok have today said that an ancient soap dispenser has been discovered in the toilets at a school in the city, prompting fears that, at one time, soap may have been used to wash children's hands after they had visited the toilet.

The school, which cannot be named because I would get the sack, has denied all rumours that the item found is a soap dispenser, and claims that soap has never been, isn't, and never will be used at the school to avoid cross-infection of virulent diseases.

Our reporter got inside the school this morning, and visited the toilets in question. He managed to get this report out before communications were severed:

"The bog floors are awash with water - most of it steaming piss. Children run splashing through this stinking lake without shoes, meaning that their socks - if they wear any - are sodden with urine, and will reek all day. The cubicles are no better. Turds, days old, bob about in the small amount of water that there is in the bowls, have decomposed, and have dissipated a messy brown cloud from which the porcelain will never recover. On emerging from the stalls, children are faced with taps that either don't work, or wildly spurt out water. Soap is nowhere to be found."

A caretaker at the school, who looks about 150, but is probably only about 45, told our hack:

"I remember soap. It was white, with bits in it like tiny, tiny stones. It came in bars, but none of the kids used it. They were in too much of a hurry to get back to their game of football to wash the piss and shit from under their fingernails! Bless 'em!"

Asked if he thought the school's lackadaisical approach to handwashing might pose a threat from cholera or typhoid, he shrugged his shoulders and laughed:

"What's cholera or typhoid?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: School, Toilet, Thailand

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