Research Monkey Lands Junior Physicist Job at the Hadron Collider, then is terminated next day

Funny story written by Dax L'Amour

Thursday, 9 December 2010


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Geneva, Switzerland - JoJo, a rescued research monkey and former casual labor employee of Sexxxy Sadie's Topless Dance Club in Baltimore, was recently hired as a Junior Physicist to head up one of the operational systems at the Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland.

Unfortunately, Mr, JoJo was terminated the following day, due to failure to comply with terms of employment and one "on the job" incident.

JoJo was apparently interviewed by phone after submitting his resume' to the Ladder, a leading online job search platform for "people earning $100,000 +".

Evidently the telephone interview went well enough for JoJo to travel to Switzerland for his 2nd, and hiring interview with Gunther Zitz, the head recruiter with the prestigious headhunter firm, Physicists-R-Us, Inc.

Zitz told our reporter that "JoJo exhibited extraordinary communication, computer, and verbal skills during the interview, although much of what he said was a little difficult to understand.
I'm European, and sometimes we have a hard time understanding the American form of English".

He went on to say: "with all those years of being in a research facility, we thought that his experience would be a benefit to our operations."

However, JoJo's resume' was somehow mistranslated sometime during the hiring process.

Our reporter viewed the resume', which was professionally prepared. the "glitch" was noticed right away.

Where Mr. JoJo had listed in his resume' "above average scientific meth research and analytical skills, the Swiss headhunter evidently misread it as "math" skills and hired JoJo on the spot.

The terms of employment required a background check and according to Zitz, the background check arrived the next day after hiring and putting Mr. JoJo on the job.

"He has a conviction on his record" Zitz went on to say, "it involves a conviction for operating a meth lab without proper governmental licensing. I brought this to the attention of the Board, and we
decided that not having a license was just too big an issue for us to be comfortable with".

As well, the termination included speculation about some missing dark matter, and it is suspected that Mr. JoJo had taken some from the dark matter storage unit and apparently had been mixing it into his coffee throughout the day.

When our reporter finally reached JoJo at the Hooters in Virginia Beach, Va,he had this to say about the issue: "The licensing thingy is something that is in the past. I paid my dues."

He further added: "and that dark matter, Hell, it wasn't worth the trouble. It makes your coffee taste like crap".

The Board who operates the Hadron Collider is still aggressively seeking a Physicist to fill the vacancy left by JoJo.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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