Written by Dax L'Amour

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

image for Man Mauled by Monkey in Topless Dance Club
man mauled by monkey in topless club

A local man, Dick Hertz, was mauled by a rescued research monkey Saturday night around 11pm at the local topless dance club known as Sexxxy Sadie's.

Apparently, Mr. Hertz was embroiled in a verbal confrontation with Bambi, one of the dancers, when the monkey attacked Mr. Hertz, pummeling and biting the victim.

Hugh G. Rection, the proprietor of Sexxxy Sadie's, told our reporter today that it was :unfortunate and completely unexpected".

"We don't know exactly why he went on that rampage", said Rection. "He is normally very docile, the girls bring him cookies and fruit. He always seemed so content just to manage the operations of the meth lab we have out back. Guess he was just upset or frustrated about something..and just blew his stack".

When we spoke with Mr. Hertz from his hospital bed, he said:

"I ain't too worried about the fight with that crazy monkey. Stuff happens" He went on to tell the reporter: " All that I'm upset about is the legalities of a monkey being in charge of a meth lab. Don't he have to get a license or somethin'?"

The legal counsel for Sexxxy Sadie's, Aas, Tihts, and Beub, failed to provide a comment when our reporter asked whether it was legal for a monkey to operate a meth lab without a license in the State of Maryland.

Hertz may file suit.

"If'n he ain't got no license, he oughtta be locked up, is all I'm saying", said Mr Hertz.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Monkey, Pole Dancing

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