Smolensk - (Pie-in-the-Sky): President Lech Kaczynski, who died in a mystery plane crash at the weekend, was Pope John Paul II's son and a secret protégé of current Pope Joe Ratzinger.
Kaczynski, 61, and his monozygotic twin Jaroslaw, 69, had been monitored psychically for several decades by Pentagon remote viewers assigned to General Albert Stubblebine III's First Earth Battalion eavesdropping unit.
The 'terrible twins' - as US military intelligence had dubbed them shortly after JFK's assassination - were part of a secret Vatican cover-up campaign to exonerate dodgy wartime Nazi 'Hitler's Pope' Pius XII.
Sources close to the elite US psychops unit also said today that all 96 dignitaries on the doomed Tupolev Tu-154 airliner 'may have already been dead' shortly after the plane's take off.
The ageing Tu-154 had been a personal gift to the Polish Goverment from former Russian President Boris Yeltsin.
"We think descendants of the 1940 Katyn Massacre conspiracy movement that has shielded the Polish Fascist Party's Government in Exile could be behind this latest outrage," a barman at the Anglo-Polish Cultural Centre in Hammersmith said today.