Afghanistan - Al Jazeera has produced a voice recording reported to be the voice of Osama Bin Laden exhorting advances made by Al Qaeda globally, in particular the development of their latest suicide weapon, the earthquake machine, which Bin Laden says was responsible for the Haitian earthquake and hundreds of thousands of death.
"We were targeting New York City at rush hour but haven't worked all the bugs yet."
"The earthquake machine is the latest weapon we have for bending American Imperialists to their knees and subjecting them to purification through the yoke of the prophet and Islam."
While happy with the overall devastation and loss of life Bin Laden admits they have yet to work on the accuracy of the earthquake machine but is optimistic the bugs can be worked out.
"Next time we try and set off an earthquake in New York we might make it to land and hit Miami so be forewarned!"
Bin Laden has taken criticism of the new earthquake machine in stride.
"The earthquake machine takes more men to operate than some of our previous weapons. We managed to have 182 suicide bombers take their life in the Haiti earthquake."
"If that's not success I don't know what is!"
"Praise be to Allah!"
"We plan on setting off another earthquake, possible in California, definitely somewhere in the Pacific on the rim of fire, sometime in the future, possibly soon, we cannot say."