Moscow's harsh winter weather usually gives way to a pleasant spring, with birds singing, children playing and the trees full of blossom. However, there is a danger lurking amongst the snow and ice. It is a danger which will potentially ruin spring for many innocent people.
Frozen dog turds have now reached epidemic levels and it's still not even February. These silent killers will sit and wait for the warmer weather. Then, without warning, they unleash a vile and pungent odour strong enough to make a whole division of T-34s retreat as fast as they can.
Vladimir Putin is aware of the potential crisis. He has ordered the FSB to shoot all the dogs in Moscow. "We will begin to exterminate all canines found in the capital. We must stop this shit from spreading."
Dog lovers are aghast, arguing that this is further evidence that the Russian government is against civil liberties. Eddie Woodhouse, son of the late Barbara, said "This is clearly an example of the tail wagging the dog...or it would be if he hadn't shot it. Dogs do what dogs do. And dogs do doo. And dogs doo is what dogs do. Let a dog do doo.....my mother would be turning in her grave, but we had her cremated a covered one of Rover's turds with her. It's what she would have wanted."
Many fear that Putin has been too slow to act and that the frozen turds will make venturing outside in spring a potentialy fatal exercise. Gas masks may be issued in March.
