'And that was the ten o'clock news. Now here's the weather lack of forecast with someone from some token minority that nobody in Britain cares about, and stop laughing at his ridiculous-sounding name - Mkoko Mbollawolla-BirdNoise of that African Area We Conquered. Mkoko.'
'There is no let up to the tripe the BBC keeps issuing as weather forecasts, it's very cold in a country where the city of Aberdeen is closer to Norway than London. But I need to justify my high salary by pretending that 99% of British people don't always just ignore the weather and get on with life whatever the weather throws at them. Maybe we'll catch a few crybabies across the Atlantic clicking on our website to boost our ratings, and I don't mean Canadians!'
'Widespread gritting won't be happening thanks to the useless Labour Government letting local councils cut their supplies of grit to save money, so expect thousands of compensation cases from canny British people that fall over on iffy pavements. Ice will be slippy, so make sure you avoid slipping; the wind will make temperatures lower, so don't forget to take your gloves outside with you.'
'And if you're wondering why you're shivering in your house - turn up your central heating thermostat dial. Though millions of Britons including this reporter don't have and don't want central heating, and are quite used to the cold. Central heating breeds germs and softness, which is why most Americans have it, of course. The British call 70F hot weather, the Americans call it a central heating temperature.'
'And remember, boys and girls, hundreds of schools have only been shut across the UK so that their attendance records aren't lowered, or in case a handful of accidents happen and parents make a few hundred squid out of it. It's laughable.'
'The Labour Party has become so bad at governing that it's now odds on that the Conservatives will massacre them in the next General Election, which at least will shut the press up about the vile BNP.'
'BBC weather people have about as much in common with the real British people as that fat slug Griffin's saddoes do - which means none at all.'