The golfing world is in shock today after Tiger Woods announced that he is to be deployed to Afghanistan to help US forces combat the rising insurgency there. The news broke after the 33-year-old golfer held an impromptu press conference yesterday at a Dunkin Donuts outlet near his home in Isleworth, Florida.
Inviting reporters who have been dogging his every move since details of his extramarital affairs surfaced to join his table, Woods said: 'Listen guys, you want a story? I'll give you arseholes a story. I'm going to Afghanistan next month to do my bit for my country, a country I love more than life itself and perhaps even golf. I can't go into the full details because it's classified, but what I can tell you is that I will be spearheading a mission called Operation Tee Time, which will involve me designing and building golf courses in some of the most troublesome areas of the country. '
Asked by one reporter how building golf courses would contribute towards US counterinsurgency strategy, Woods replied: 'It's about winning hearts and minds and connecting with the people. Most of the Taliban are not fighting for ideology, but out of sheer boredom. I believe the spiritual and healing qualities of golf can succeed where bullets and tanks have not. '
Woods also revealed that he recently tried to join the US Army as a soldier, but had been told that his celebrity status prohibited him from combat: 'When I went to the recruitment centre to enlist, I was told that because of who I was, I wouldn't be allowed to fight. But a few days later I received a surprise call from President Obama who had been informed about my visit and together we came up with Operation Tee Time. '
The golfer denied that his personal life had influenced his decision to join the Army where he will be assigned the rank of Lieutenant General and said that his wife, Elin Nordegren, fully supported his decision: ' I've put Elin through a lot and if I could help end this war, I think she might be proud of me again. Another advantage is that there will be fewer distractions from the opposite sex as I hear that the women in the Army are mostly dogs and the local girls covered. '
Woods refused to go into any more detail and left after treating everybody in the store to a round of donuts, prompting patrons and staff alike to break into a spontaneous rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner. Branch manager, Ahmed Bangram said: 'Tiger used to come in once a month, but in the last couple of weeks he's been coming here almost every day, sitting down for hours and scribbling out golf course designs on our napkins. I was beginning to think he had lost it, you know, affected by everything that's happened recently, but now I know. You might think I'm crazy for saying this, but it makes me proud to think that Dunkin Donuts has in some small way done its bit for the War on Terror.
While the White House has refused to comment saying ' this is purely a military matter,' a US Army spokesman confirmed that Woods would be going to Afghanistan: 'I am delighted to say that Tiger Woods has joined us, but due to the highly important and sensitive nature of his mission, I cannot comment any further at this moment in time. '
However, a close military source said: 'This is a brilliant idea and the top brass believe this kind of "out of the box" thinking could be a winner. Sure, there were some doubters at first, but if you look at some of the most successful military operations in history - and I'm a keen amateur historian - sport has been key. Look at the British. Didn't Francis Drake play a game of bowls before defeating the Spanish Armada in 1588? Didn't they win the First World War after playing soccer in no man's land one Christmas? I'm pretty sure cricket has something to do with the subjugation of India too. '
While the reaction from the professional golfing community has so far been muted, former Vietnam Vet and winner of three majors, Larry Nelson, 62, said: 'I only started playing golf after I returned from Vietnam at the ripe old age of 21. Who knows what might have happened if I had had Tiger's level of ability, say during the Tet Offensive?'
