Mrs. Claus to Oprah: I Had Sex with Tiger Woods!

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Tuesday, 22 December 2009


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image for Mrs. Claus to Oprah: I Had Sex with Tiger Woods!
Oprah: So, you talk about Tiger wanting to use 'toys.' Can you describe some of these devices for our viewers?

NORTH POLE, A.P. - Mrs. Santa Claus revealed she had a brief but fiery relationship with Tiger Woods in a tell-all interview with Oprah Winfrey today.

Mrs. Claus, a sprightly Caucasian elf who remains quite fetching for a centenarian, said she even had sex with Tiger Woods on the night before Christmas last year while Santa was out delivering toys!

"On Christmas Eve, Tiger showed up, determined to have his way with me," said Mrs. Claus. "He usually gets what he wants."

She told Oprah she met Woods at a Best A Man Can Get razor expo in Las Vegas last year; the company had briefly considered running a series of promotional holiday spots featuring her husband Nicholas, who's no saint, according to Mrs. Claus.

She and Santa married in the late 19th century, she said, but by the early 1900's, the relationship was already starting to sour. She said that's when the exhuberant Claus started taking mysterious trips around the world to "deliver toys."

She later found that he had been frequenting myriad shopping malls and having little girls sit on his lap.

And sometimes, even little boys.

Mrs. Claus said she is an honest, faithful and patient woman, but told Oprah, "It gets lonely up at the North Pole. I have my needs, too.

"And elves are so tiny," she said, blushing. "Size really does matter!

"After the razor expo," she continued, "Tiger booked a large suite at the Hard Rocks Hotel and Casino. He had an assistant book me an adjacent room so we could be naughty, and no one would be the wiser.

"It was the ultimate in luxury," she revealed. "Trouble is, Tiggy never wanted to leave the bedroom!"

She went on to talk about "all the freaky things Tiger digs in bed."

"He told me I'd been a bad girl," she said. "He spanked my bare bottom 'til it was redder than Rudolph's nose!"

A few days later, she said, Woods came to visit her at the North Pole. The golf phenom insisted that she should "harness [his] Blasian ass" to the sleigh so they could play "reindeer games."

After that, Mrs. Claus told Oprah their sexual relationship began to spiral out of control.

"I was a fragment of my former self," she said candidly. "My secret was eating me from the inside out... and so was Tiger!"

"So... you talk about Tiger wanting to use 'toys,'" said Oprah. "Can you describe some of these devices for our viewers?"

"Girlfriend, I've been around the block a few times, believe me," replied Mrs. Claus, with a twinkle in her eye. "Plus, I'm married to Nick, so I thought I'd seen everything, but I've got to say... that Tiggy's more twisted than the red stripe on a candy cane!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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