Tiger Woods Spotted Drifting on Giant Iceberg

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Thursday, 10 December 2009

image for Tiger Woods Spotted Drifting on Giant Iceberg
Tiger Woods, teed off at media's exposure of sex life in the rough, taking time to cool off on giant block of ice.

PERTH, Australia - Tiger Woods is perched atop a massive iceberg more than twice the size of New York's Manhattan island and is now drifting slowly toward Australia, scientists announced on Wednesday.

The golf phenomenon cleaved himself from the public eye nearly two weeks ago after events in his private life were exposed in the media, and had apparently been floating near Antarctica before commencing his unusual journey.

He was first sighted straddling the massive block of ice nearly 1,700 kilometers off the coast of West Australia Tuesday afternoon, according to that country's Antarctic Division.

"He just lies there looking up at the sky, sometimes for hours at a stretch," said Australian Antarctic Division glaciologist Richard Byrdie, who first spotted the forlorn golf prodigy using satellite images taken by NASA and the European Space Agency.

"All of a sudden, he'll jump up and start thrashing around like a crazy man, furiously hurling chunks of ice into the ocean, then he'll drop to the ground, thrashing and kicking, pulling chunks of hair out.

"Finally, he goes back to just lying there, looking up at the sky until the next outburst.

"This is very unusual," he added. "It's incredible that he hasn't yet melted under all the media attention, and yet his career is still largely intact."

"However, the frenzied atmosphere is heating up," he explained. "Tiger's facade is starting to show cracks. As a result, he's come to this melting iceberg for solace."

In September, rapper Kanye West was spotted on a similar iceberg estimated to be 4000 meters wide and 90 meters high, drifting toward New Zealand in the southern Pacific shortly after a Taylor Swift-related outburst at the video Barely Music awards show.

Scientists working near the islands were astonished by its size.

"We pulled out the binoculars and, sure enough, there was Kanye on a giant floating island of ice that literally dwarfed his ego. It was a 'once in a lifetime' event," researcher B. Onseigh told reporters.

Fortunately, the Australian Antarctic Division indicated these rare icebergs were part of a much larger flotilla broken off from the Ross Ice Shelf that is now drifting out of Antarctica's icy seas; this should eventually render conditions on large numbers of icebergs more hospitable for a continued onslaught of shamed media figures seeking refuge.

However, this is not expected to have a "chilling effect" on the proliferation of adulterous relationships overall, AAD spokesman Humpfree Bogey said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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