FDA To Keep eyes on the Dough

Funny story written by KRS

Tuesday, 30 June 2009


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The Food and Drug Administration said yesterday that it had confirmed the presence of E. coli 0157, a deadly strain of bacteria, in samples of refrigerated cookie dough.

As of last week, CDC reported 69 cases of E. coli 0157 illness linked to cookie dough in 29 states -- including two in Maryland and two in Virginia. The agency said that 34 of the victims have been hospitalized and that nine developed a serious complication known as hemolytic-uremic syndrome. None has died.

Nearly all the victims, most of whom are female and younger than 19, reported eating raw cookie dough in the days before the onset of symptoms. Consequently, the FDA will now be prohibiting the sale of refrigerated cookie dough to females under the age of 21.

FDA Commissioner C.A. Nation told reporters; "Given the very specific demographic of this E. coli outbreak, as protectors of all Americans, we would be remiss if we did not address this bacterial threat to our young girls. These measures should cause no more inconvenience to consumers than the purchase of cigarettes, alcoholic beverages or double-dongs. We have a statutory mandate to safeguard the populace."

Homeland Security Vice Assistant Director for the Eastern District of Appalachia Ben Counter; whose primary responsibility entails monitoring posts, email, phone calls and patrons of Topless nightclubs in Zipcodes 24540-24544, excluding Blossom Road and the Pleasure Palace on Happy Lane added, "We will also be vigilantly policing the illegal trafficking of cookie dough. We may not make a dent in the War on Drugs, the War on Crappy Assets, the War on Sexually Transmitted Diseases, the War on Incredibly Inane Reality TV, The War on Infidelity of Politicians or The War on War - we can damn well win this War on Dough!"

Reporter B. Crocker from the Ladies Home Journal asked Vice Assistant Director Counter if he could indicate what interdiction inroads have been made. Counter countered, "Just yesterday we took 12 year old Janie Gertrude Hobson into custody, after observing her exchanging coins for cookie dough with other Girl Scouts while suspiciously walking up Maple Way. Ms. Hobson has been detained in an undisclosed location, pending further interrogation and investigation. We have reliable intelligence that Ms. Hobson is just one member of a very large cell of contraband dealers centered around John Brown Elementary School."

Ms. Nation ended the press conference with assurances that all Americans can now sleep better at night knowing that the government is keeping their eye on the dough.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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