SANCTUM SANTORUM -THE VATICAN: In a sign of creeping Talibanization the Vatican all-male, hard-line hierarchy recently began [albeit discreetly], an inquiry into the "soundness" of American nuns.
Now details have emerged that the investigation is probing the "liberal" beliefs held by nuns; the way they worship and their involvement in the general community helping drug addicts and other down and out people. For long Church traditionalists have been concerned that some sisters are flouting Church teaching on sensitive issues such as homosexuality and the ordination of women as priests. Many recovering drug addicts and alcoholics say they have benefited tremendously from the social work done by the nuns.
One recovering addict said "All the priests are good for is forcing us into their parish churches to sit through their meaningless sermons while they claim they are praying for our souls. They are no better than those terrorizer Taliban dudes. Do I look worried about going to Hell when I die? Hell, I'm already in Hell on earth. I need real help getting my life back not some mumbo-jumbo about an afterlife. That's what the good Sisters are doing for me, helping me get rehabilitated. So I say to those mean Vatican Popistas - Get real dude, get with the program!"
It appears that the panicky, frock-wearing Vatican nobles, locked away in their ivory towers swishing about in their floor-length cambric gowns, hand sewn by blind nuns, are so out of touch with reality that they feel threatened by the real, humanitarian work being done on the ground by the American nuns.
Cardinal Burl O'Scooney reputed to be next in line to the earthly-celestial throne said "These women need to be reined in as they are becoming too cheeky for their own good. They do not cover themselves properly and wander around in civilian clothing. We warn them if they keep this up we will excommunicate them for disobedience. They will be denied their place in Heaven"
He quoted from his favorite Biblical text Hypocrisy 15 warning good Catholics the world over: "God told men to make the rules and women to be his sheep who meekly follow them. That is their lot in life because they are sinners. Women need to be covered from head to toe and should be flogged if they disobey men. It's a pity the Church did not mandate full burqas for nuns".
An ex-nun, now a social worker in the barrios chuckled: "Who wants to go to Heaven if Heaven is full of these self-righteous, horny, sanctimonious bastards - there'll be no escaping them even in the after life!"
The Sisters say they are following the true teachings and spiritual principles of their Lord. The people they minister to - the homeless addicts - have challenged the priests to get out of their Churches and focus on truly helping people instead of sermonizing to them
Ayatollahs Howmany, Toomany and Pak-Taliban mullahs have thrown their support behind the Vatican saying "Finally the infidel Christians have understood what we have been saying all along - that women must be kept in their proper place - behind the burqa. Now if they can only join arms with us we can spread the true word of our God all over the world, suppressing women and killing those who disobey us."