The Great American Hot Dog Under Attack

Funny story written by Philbert of Macadamia

Sunday, 26 July 2009

image for The Great American Hot Dog Under Attack
"150 hot dogs to go with everything on them."

Newark, NJ: A pro-vegetarian, anti-meat advocacy group says "hot dogs are so hazardous to one's health that they should have warning labels." The organization's slogan is "Beat-the-Meat."

This rabid vegan organization is suing Kraft Foods Inc (manufacturer of the Oscar Mayer brand, whose own wieners are in hot water); Sara Lee Corp; Nathan's Famous; and the makers of the Hebrew National and Sabrett brands. The lawsuit cites a bogus report produced by the vegan organization that dubiously concludes regular consumption of processed meat can increase the risk of colorectal cancer. (Other research studies have debunked this notion.)

At a preliminary hearing in District Court (no lawyers) Judge Dread heard testimony from a number of emaciated vegan scientists. They said "Orangutan testing was conducted to achieve the study results, where test apes ate 150 all beef hot dogs in six minutes." PETA members in the courtroom booed, but it is unknown if it was because of the animal testing or the eating of beef hot dogs.

Judge Dread called for order in the courtroom and then proceeded to hear testimony from Joey (Jaws) Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi. At the 94th annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest held on the 4th of July in Coney Island NY, Joey choked down 68 franks in 10 minutes (a new world record). He defeated Takeru Kobayashi 68-64. Both Joey and Takeru testified that "it was impossible for an Orangutan to eat 150 hot dogs in six minutes, only circus elephants can do that (buns only)."

The judge then said "these activists never let the facts get in the way of their ideological agendas! They take all the joy out of life. I am throwing this case out, but if anyone wants to put warning labels on their own buns, it is permissible."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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