Afghan War : French resurrect Napoleon to lead UN troops

Funny story written by French Marilyn

Thursday, 23 July 2009


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French President Nicolas Sarkozy has told US Vice-President Joe Biden that the US and UK will soon be able to consult late Emperor Napoleon on battle tactics to employ against the Taleban in Afghanistan.

Mr. Biden, on a tour of Europe, spoke to Monsieur Sarkozy by phone from the Ukraine.

As the French head-of-state revealed, a team of six of France's top scientists has been secretly working for the past two years to return Napoleon, who was Emperor of France from 1804 until 1815, back to life.

His embalmed remains were exhumed from his red marble tomb in the golden-domed Les Invalides in Paris during the night of June 26/27, 2007, and were taken to the capital's main morgue on Quai de la Rapee.

There, the body was immediately frozen using a gel of which the French president would not reveal the formula.

The body was then gradually defrosted again, "rather like you would defrost a good-sized cod: turning it over regularly and watching out for ze vermin like ze flies", as Monsieur Sarkozy told Mr. Biden.

The defrosting took three months and was done in a flower-filled room in case the Corsican-born dead Emperor would wake up prematurely and immediately die again out of fright on finding himself back with the French. (The Mediterranean island of Corsica is currently fighting a terrorist war against France for its independence.)

President Sarkozy also would not disclose how his scientists had then returned life to the defrosted emperor.

He would only say: "Napoleon is now sitting up in bed and we've been able to take him off easily-digestible liquid food and put him on solids. Just this morning he had a large helping of French frites for breakfast. He has also regained his power of speech."

It is expected that Napoleon, who had died aged 52 on May 5, 1821 on the Atlantic Ocean island of Saint Helena where he was held prisoner by the British, will be sufficiently fit to take command of the UN forces in Afghanistan within six months. He was a brilliant war strategist - the most brilliant of the early 19th century as even his former enemies, the British, now admit - and it is hoped that he has lost none of his expertise and daring in the 188 years of his death.

President Sarkozy did however admit to Vice-President Biden that his scientists might be calling on their American and British counterparts to help solve a little problem.

Napoleon does not have a penis, and this is something that the 'little Emperor', who was husband to the two beauties, Josephine and Marie-Louise of Austria, and lover to scores of other beautiful women, finds impossible to accept.

The Emperor's penis was removed during the autopsy his personal physician, Francesco Antonmarchi, had performed on his body immediately after his death on Saint Helena.

The penis is believed to be somewhere in the US and in the possession of a collector of such peculiar artifacts.

The penis has been described by people who claim to have held it in hand as looking either like "a bit of beef jerky" or like "a shriveled eel".

A spokesperson for the Paris morgue has told us that if the penis could be returned to France, re-grafting it to Napoleon's body would not cause a problem. Neither would its shriveled state. At least not to the Emperor.

"Ze Emperur haz told uz in strict confidence that 'e haz worked around zis problem before and could do zis again," President Sarkozy told Vice-President Biden.

The Vice-President was not available for comment, but a US Air Force General expressed regret that Napoleon could not already now take command of the UN forces.

"Summer is the Taleban's 'fighting season' and we won't say no to some assistance up there in the mountains. Even if it is to come from some half-dead dude," he said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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