Written by Ghatotkacha

Saturday, 11 July 2009

image for Al Qaeda's latest threat: Suicide Stink Bombers
Till Death do us Fart - Al Imentari Mujahid [Al Nakhli archives]

[AFP/Reuters, Peshawar 11 July]: In a development that's ringing alarm bells from Langley to Lahore, Al Qaeda has threatened to launch waves of suicide attacks by stink-bombers against US and allied targets across the globe.

The threat was made by Al Kali Firoz Sulfait, the so-called 'chemical weapons chief' of Al Qaeda, in a videotape aired by Al Jazeera TV late July 11. "By the Grace of Allah, we have devised a new and terrible cadre of warriors - the Al Imentari Mujahideen - that will snatch away the living breath of the evil Americans and their corrupt friends. Already our brave young Al Imentari Mujahids have spread to every city in the West, their hearts filled with the glory of Jihad and their bellies filled with horse gram and peanuts...to wreak havoc upon those who have dared confront the Power of Al Jihad!"

The State Department has so far refused to comment on the authenticity of the tape or its contents. However, a Rand Corporation egghead admits that the threat could be very real - and very deadly.

"We know Al Kali Firoz Sulfait is a brilliant scientist; a PhD in Applied Chemistry from the University of Grossingen. He, along with his associate An Hydros Al Umina, have proven their ability to develop a great variety of improvised explosive devices from ordinary kitchen spices and household appliances. So it's more than likely they've thought up the idea of creating human stink bombs from beans and stuff."

He added that an Arab pro-jihadi rag titled Al Nakhli has recently actually carried a couple of stories, complete with photos, on secret camps in Pakistan where a new set of 'Islamic gas bombers' are being trained for suicide missions.

Interestingly enough, US Department of Trade statistics reveal that during the period January-June 2009, imports of peanuts, horse gram and other high-protein, high-on-flatulence beans and lentils by Pakistan have nearly trebled over the same period last year.

"Yes, there could be a connection," acknowledges the Rand Corporation egghead. "This could be the next deadly threat for America, for the free world...waves of suicide farter-bombers. God help us all!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: suicide




Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
73 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more