The Second Battle of Britain in 2009

Funny story written by matwil

Saturday, 6 June 2009

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'Don't mention the already-won World War 2 to Americans in 1944, chaps!'

Storm clouds were gathering over a gardening shed in Kent in May, 2009, and soon Britain and Germany were engulfed in a battle of wartime cliches and stereotypes, one that was to bring the British to their very knees in their potato fields, and on their putting greens, though not on their beaches.

The Germans, led by their air supremo Hermangela von Snorkel, had launched a sudden and devastating attack on the UK, and waves of satire, but not irony, hit the South-East of England.

'We are engaged in a struggle of life and death, we must kidnap a foreign leader for our own publicity and propaganda!', Fuhrer Mrs. von Snorkel ranted, at her Christian Wotstheirnames Party rally at Oldemberg, 'we will crush the British schwein for daring to try and hijack that foreign leader instead of us! Just because the Amerikaners don't want that leader doesn't mean he should go to the land of roast beef and revolting sausages and warm bier! Seig Heil!'

Meanwhile, in Kent, lots of fidgety RAF satirists sat around in the sun, sharpening up their harpoons, and writing letters to their cousins in the USA, hoping they were having a nice holiday while the British risked their entire future fighting the Nazis for 5 years before D-Day, when a rusty old tin on a rope began clanging, and the cry of 'Scramble! Scramble!' came from the mess sergeant, Arry Potter.

Pausing briefly to make and drink a huge pot of tea, with the milk going into the cups first, Squadron Leader Trevah Howahd shouted 'Chocs away, chaps!', and soon he and his men of 6TT Squadron (Ashby-under-beside-next-to-smelling-a-bit-of-Lyme) took to the skies.

'I can't fly', Flight Lieutenant Victor Egin said suddenly on his radio, 'I'm only a mechanic', and 'Keep radio silence!', came back from Howahd, who only knew too well that the British had become so short of pilots they'd had to use such people to take on the Luftwaffe,

and cursing the Americans for their cowardice he lead his planes towards what seemed like a cloud of German bombers and fighters, ones that were intent on destroying the last fighting force in the world able and willing to stop the Nazis, the Royal Air Force.

'Tally ho, chaps!', Howahd said, giving the signal to break and attack, and soon he and his pilots had pulled off the impossible feat of shooting down four times as many planes as their opponents, and ones very experienced at fighting wars, at that, as the British were basically amateurs.

And, of course, the British were helped by a surprising number of Poles, Czechoslovaks, Canadians, Australians, New Zealanders, South Africans, and even a few Americans and French pilots, that shamed both of their countries' refusal to help Britain fight the Nazis.

And so the world was saved from the Nazis by the Second Battle of Britain, and it was to be the Russians and the British that meant that the Second Second World War was to be won, as millions of Soviet soldiers suicidally headed unstoppably for Germany, while the RAF started destroying German city after German city with thousand-bomber raids.

Wonder why the relatively irrelevant Americans and the surrendering French are the only ones in 2009 that make such a fuss about commemorating D-Day nowadays? Because the British Commonwealth and the Soviet Union had already won WW2 by 1943, and the Nazis knew it, many planning to leave the Reich, many, including Himmler, trying to make peace with Britain - but not with the USA, as not a single American soldier had fought in Europe by then.

The old American jibe of 'If it wasn't for us you'd be speaking German' to the British is nonsense. If it wasn't for the Americans, the British would either still be speaking English or be speaking Russian. D-Day was precisely to stop the Soviet Communists taking over Western Europe, using massive American manpower and supplies, not to defeat the Nazis. The British and Russians had already done that by 1943.

Maybe Americans should read a few history books, while the British, Spanish, French and Germans carry on ruling the modern world that they have invented. And maybe Americans should stick to making fictional films about winning World Wars, they've never even won a single war in recent history on their own.

Tally ho, chaps! Barack Obama is even more ridiculous than David Cameron. At least Cameron's ancestors fought and won two World Wars, and created the modern world as we know it, after centuries of warfare.

What were Barack Obama's relations doing in 1940? Planning a holiday in Normandy?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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