The fossilised remains of Jesus's penis have been examined by scientists at the University of Cock in Sweden. They claim that remnants of sheep stomach cells can clearly be found in the folds of his rather prodigious member. DNA testing proves that the cells are indeed of ovine origin.
So how do we know that Jesus didn't just enjoy sexual relations with sheep? Professor Dick Crotch said, "Because these are stomach cells. Unless Jesus penetrated a sheep's anus, and broke all the way through to its stomach, that wouldn't happen. He's not that big! This evidence shows he definitely wore a condom - condoms were around at the time and were usually made of stomach lining."
Could he have fucked a haggis, I asked. "No," said Professor Crotch, "Haggis was not invented until later, and then we would have remains of offal too. No, it is quite clear that Jesus used condoms. This makes the Catholic church's stance on the use of such contraceptives rather hypocritical. I wonder if the Pope uses condoms himself - I bet he does, some of those choirboys are diseased!"
Finally I asked if the fossil showed that Jesus was well hung. The Professor replied, "No he was crucified."
